Episode 3 | This is the hell we’ve faced….

This is the hell we have faced, all the tears and ugly times have molded us to be greater human beings, all because of the hell we have faced

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Jordan

Arriana

740,000 global deaths from suicide 

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Podcast host – Joey the Creative

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Transcript

There is beauty and chaos within my inner depths anger and happiness swells gateways I've yet to cross but the hell I've endured can also be seen as a loss of clarity I see it clearly now the rage burns fierce within me I can hear it kindling deep within my empty soul I'm nothing without the lies I've told this false personality transcends my worldview I can do whatever I choose under the microscope just as long as God doesn't take a peek who am I kidding God's too busy to worry about me sometimes the stuff we face the hot fireplace down below is an inward battle we tried to conceal a war within our spirits that we tried to hide although we fail every time we think we are so strong but truly we are frail inside insecure filled with rage in our hearts and most times we don't even understand it every day gambling a body we did not create a heart we could never perceive in a mind that truly drifts in the wind carried by a consciousness that lives outside our known existence please FaceTime overtime scrutinized of how I live trust me there's no F in grace because if there were I'd smell the fragrance of my decaying body on the side of the dirt Rd. a rotting disappointment to those who cared a forgotten memory for those I was never near my darkest traumas come alive in the midnight a space between reality and a lucid dream the space between the possibilities of what life could be I feel so far from you as if a bullet was shot in my chest something feels off Lord in this dark hour I cry out to you don't leave me here to rattle this cage I need you to be present before my rage consumes me head to toe before rats pick up my flesh and fire ants make me their home for worms tunnel my eyes and vultures puke up my entrails lured a bitter picture it is but this hell is not what I want to burn eternally within the earthly realm was my quest I thought I could get back right you know have a season of sad nights to return with the Saints of Christ to paradise but why did the gate close matter of fact those locks were quite unnecessary Lord I swear the next day I was gonna repent all that rage in my heart I was gonna release it all trust me I would have forgiven Lord hear me out for a second I know I have sinned just opened the door let's talk about this I know I have damaged this house I know I have threatened this body I know Lord the darkness swelled within my spirit and I know it kicked you out but Lord I am ready to repent come on give me some more time at the gate I promise my heart is ready to receive you right yeah I find it crazy how we blindly believe our way is the highway the righteous path and the way to follow and maybe that's what we do not understand we did not create us nor those to whom we try to persuade sometimes the fiery faces due to our own shortcomings in life and our ignorance of the righteousness of Christ sometimes we give the devil way too much credit as a way to skip accountability for our mistakes and maybe the fiery face is truly understanding that we desire control in the world that already has a master So what is the fire that you have faced be honest not to me but to God your father to our father because time is running out and the fire you face might just become your eternal reality have you right yeah because of the fire reality there's a different level of pain when you cannot speak a level where it's so unbelievable was a complete loss of words is all you can perceive when trauma becomes your toxic best friend and depression is now your nearest skin in moments where no one else in the world exists and asking for helps make you look like a bit of a drag and to be honest I don't have an answer for you the tears you have shed over the years screams volumes echoes I may never hear but that doesn't mean your pain isn't seared into God's heart ohh how he's yearning to be closer to us I know those long nights are a drag and sometimes evil thoughts can scatter our brain but no it is not worth it look it is so easy to enter the afterlife by your own terms although that one decision may cause hell for everyone else on this side of the astral plane but I thought of it dearly how much better would it be if I wasn't alive to tell my story because who would who would care if my dreams didn't come true who would notice if I even ended my life tonight who freaking cares anymore my life has been a dirt Rd. full of unhealed traumas and teary eyes ohh I've hated my life hey these are all real questions trust me I know what you are feeling in this moment that gut reaction leads you to ball up in a corner and just rot away I know I was right there with you I want to let you know something I might not have had the exact life that you have lived the situations we have been through probably don't align the traumas and pains that I have endured the things that you have seen it's probably not the same maybe we can reflect and relate on some issues and some topics but I'm pretty sure my life is not identical to yours but I'm confident to say this throughout my life and the traumas that I've endured and what the hell I have been through God God has led me through every single moment every single pane every single discomfort maybe you don't believe in God and hey I respect that but I want to tell you a story and I want you to think upon your life as I tell you this story I grew up in church like I didn't just grow up in church deeper than that I grew up living the ministry every aspect every job every opportunity I was there from the earliest I could remember I was there church was my life honestly I could say I was a walking church calendar like for real every day of my life was in the body of Christ but could I say I was actually in the body of Christ no I believed that in some weird way because I performed for the church I did for the church good words my good works on a weekly basis added up to my ticket to heaven I believe that if I just if I just strut through and go to church on Sunday then I'm just good ohh my gosh this is a great life like to live the way that I'm living and and all the erroneous things that I'm doing and and all the the the influences that I'm taking into this world and be protected by Christ we whoa this is like ohh this is S tier like who would not want this I lived that way for a long time I did not realize what it meant to truly be a Christ follower to give your life up for something now this concept is hitting a lot of people right now maybe it's you and you're confused give my life to Christ give my life to Christ that sounds corny I don't want to do that Joey look I get you but here's the thing we have all given our lives to something there is something that inwardly we have devoted to there's something that our identity has bled a stain on and that thing has bled a stain on us for some it's celebrities we follow them we we chase after them for some of us we want to be their likeness for some we praise for others we admire for other people outlets drugs alcohol sex crime the insecurities that we have in life often tell us so much sometimes we want to be so strong but we are very weak we want a mask a life over us and say that I'm the big dog I'm the one on top I have all these women I got my bank accounts full my gym life is stalked I'm up there but at the end of the day after you got the billion dollars trillion dollars after you got every single rule going crazy lining up stacking up after you after you after you have everything what do you have left so yeah I grew up in church every day in my life was spent in the church every Sunday every Tuesday every Wednesday every Saturday even even off those days my identity was God and the aspect that it was the physical sense I never had a spiritual connection with God the father but I was connected to all these avenues that reflected God so in my mind I was like Oh my ticket is printed it is pressed it is nice and prestige I never went through anything and never had a trying time I never had any reason to call on God I never had any reason to stamp myself as a bold unashamed trace follower my identity was in somewhere else than Christ like we said before some people they're in celebrities some people they're in outlets some people they're just in the pride of life in the fullness of their own tongue some people well that's me I put my identity in the world more specifically I put my identity in such a deep pit of my mental state that honestly it's only by God's grace I'm alive September 10th 2025 a regular day for most an oddly for some it's a glorious answer to whatever demented prayer they sent below honestly I still cannot gather my thoughts and maybe I was never meant to maybe with all the voices shouting opinions I should just shut up and just soak in this moment last episode we talked about the 750,000 how every single year there is on average 750,000 souls who have taken their own life a number that Lars can drift away from us and we might not understand the true impact you mean to tell me even one person has taken their life even last year of all the years God has given us apparently not one second more was worth living now it's a conversation to talk about the mind of someone who has taken their own life although what about those who have taken a life me personally I've faced 4 moments of the spirit of death specifically suicide I fought the urge to take my life and by God's grace I I lived to tell the tale the mentality is rather grim every day I laid in bed thinking of how I could actually kill myself and if those thoughts did not cross my mind the nightmares would certainly write up crazy adventures for me to go on and run for my imminent death this episode might be super super weird to hear what I'm saying but for some listening today ohh this is the hell you face the endless torment in the bottomless pit ohh I know what it feels like although now I can confidently say I do not have these nightmares anymore nor do I have less to draw my own blood nor do I envision a world without me in it I'd no longer have those urges why because Jesus Christ has entered my life forever transform the summer of 2022 September 10th 2025 this week is a bombshell I was writing this episode even before this moment this day happened and once the day happened everything I was thinking about of writing completely dissipated I didn't know how to react and for those who are listening to this way way far in the future like like this is like 2 years in the future and you don't know what I'm talking about September 10th 2025 a gentleman named Charlie Kirk was brutally assassinated in broad daylight being at a university in Utah talking to the students answering questions relaying opinions debating truth seeking correcting admiring intriguing people who are in the crowd for me even right now it's hard to think in grass but this is the Halloween face September 10th you only yesterday is the day that a gentleman woke up had an entire itinerary planned out had assistance had directives has his day all set just like I have my day set Just like you have your day set and it truly tells me tomorrow is not promised and we should stop taking days as if it's so frivolous the hell we face is ever so present every single day you cannot tell me that you are not going through struggles that you are not facing trials that you have not that you have not knelt down on the ground and pleaded for help in the same day in the same 24 hour span another place in the world well the US happened in Colorado a 16 year old child decided that today was the day but his classmates would not see another one that today was the day that all of that rage and anger built in inside of him was going to come out this is the hell we face these two situations leaves me to believe that even in this moment I'm on borrowed time tomorrow is not promised I could wake up in a casket tomorrow actually maybe I'm really in a coma but I'm just living this dream reality I don't know what it is I often have this phrase that I say consciousness is a crazy and weird concept there is no way that I'm conscious right now but every single day God wakes me up four times in my life after the age of 14 I've tried my life I've had that bloodlust to pick up razors screwdrivers knives whatever I could find around the house to say that OK this is the hell I face I've been whispering it in my ear for so long but now it's time to act the first time didn't do it the second time wasn't successful the third time but the fourth time was special the fourth time was the 4th anniversary of my mother's passing November to give context it has been 10 years 10 years this November 21st since that moment of my life happened and this was the 4th year we were on vacation we were in Georgia I was in a hotel room with my brother I was listening to my favorite artist at the time and that's another hell I face the my favorite artist at the time recently just passed away exorcist and tachyon I crave to be that man every depressive thought that I've ever dreamt ever conjured was from his lyrics as I can truly say suicide was definitely written on my bones because those those lyrics were close to my heart so being reminded of this fourth year anniversary being reminded of a couple of months fresh of his passing being a stupid teenager and all the the the stressful things that I thought at the time was stressful friendships relationships patterns of life hobbies I couldn't do at the time things that an almost 20 year old kid would be wrestling with well 17 at that time the hell I faced was that night I was in the hotel room my brother was in the main room I was in the bathroom and I just could not get my mind off of exercise session of my mother and of other people who have passed away an award with my flesh for so long in that bathroom for so long listening on repeat his albums his songs and at one time my brother was like whoa I don't hear the water going I don't hear the sink going he's not washing his face he's not brushing his teeth he's not taking a shower what is going on the hell I face was alone trapped with my own wrestle with insanity where there I thought I was insane I thought that the world was closing in I thought that there was number hope ever to be found I thought that in a few seconds I would break the astral plane I would either be with angels or demons whatever one I just didn't want to be here so right there I didn't have much with me in the room it's the bathroom it's the hotel there's not much there but what I did have I did have a bath towel provided by the bathroom hotel and took that towel I wrapped it up and I wrapped it around my neck and I strung I I stretched that thing I contorted I tried it didn't work I was too scared for about two hours I was warring with myself of how different ways I could complete this because I'm a complete failure at this time I've tried three times failed but my brother was there and he knocked on the door and did not respond he banged on the door I did not respond I don't know how he got in the door I just don't know how he got in the room it's just it it fleets my memory but I was there he was confused I was mute he was loud for 5 minutes straight I couldn't say anything but I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know for all the questions he was asking me what are you doing why are you doing this how long have you been in here for all the questions he asked I did not have an answer why because that was the hell I was facing the deep insecurity that being alive would ruin so many people's lives the wrestle in my flesh that I had no one else to turn to my story did not add to another there was no purpose for me being alive that is the hell we face or at least I did The funny thing is I've been doing this podcast for so many years three years every single time I've done an interview I've conducted a conversation outside of the microphone I anything any single time there's always 2 common denominators people who have mental struggles or people who have church hurt stuff that has happened to them within church spaces I have this question that I pose on my podcast and you can't hear the question now because I've rebranded so many times and I've taken off so many episodes and those answers are not in front of the public but I have them saved every single one of them I have this question at what point in your life was the darkest moment of of your life and before I ask this question to every single person who has been interviewed on the podcast I always give this disclaimer both in the e-mail before they came on and also in present day like I hey I just want to warn you what you're about to say might or might not be incriminating it might or might not ruffle some feathers and for two particular situations there has been times where I've literally had to cut things from the podcast because it's like it's too much it's too current it's it's too current it's too fresh but for the vast majority of the times the person is open and honest about their lives like I said there's two common denominators when I asked this question either someone has a story about their mental health on like something that is just absolute bombshell or there's a story about a traumatic experience that has happened in a church in their place of worship everyone has different paths of lives and and everyone everyone walks on a different on a different level than anyone else you truly cannot say that you are behind or in front of everyone or anyone because we all have different things that we go through some people it's easy like Sunday morning like they're just going through a little bit of stress a little just a little bit of unease they have a test going on at school like they want to they want to pass it a and for some of us if it not only have been for the Lord we wouldn't be here today the hell we face is different for every single one of us there's not one story that is similar to another but in some odd weird weird way all stories have a common ground the hell that was shown this week is trying and for some people even too intimate to even watch while I was watching a close up video of that moment I literally felt as if I was front row seats to the newest Mortal Kombat game or movie like you could literally see the blood splatter ooze out of his neck as he tries to attempt to catch himself that is so up close and the weird thing is in this world of instant gratification of social media of TikTok of Instagram of of Twitter on demand there is not a second to spend in those offices of these social media platforms to even try for censorship there's nothing you could do to wipe that video off your platform I'm sure these CEO's do not want this this this video on their platform like that like TikTok you can barely even say the word HELL without getting flagged or you can't even say Ki LL without getting flagged on TikTok there's such there's such a crazy amount of censorship that you can't even say certain words or you will instantly get get flagged but even then that video was just on people's feeds just freely it's just there so instant the interesting thing about this story is that we saw his demise so instant so in real time and I was thinking about this and it's weird to me I am in Maryland for those who are local who are hearing this you know where I live you've been to my house I've been to your house I've been to your church you've been to my church we probably go to the same church whatever I am nowhere near Utah Utah is nowhere near me how am I getting news from Utah instantly the second it happens and I'm instantly I I'm I'm watching this video like my social media feed is just like saying ohh everything that's local today we're not gonna show you ohh here's this thing that's thousands of miles away that's currently taking over the entire globe The funny thing about instant gratification and the new cycle is that for one the new cycle is only a week old next week there will be another story in the news cycle it's only one week every single week there's new stories that come in and out The funny thing about instant gratification is that we have instantly seen processed and regurgitated our own foolish or intelligent thoughts on the matter of the situation we've already posted our videos we've already reposted other people's videos and if we were bold enough we've already went live about the situation we've already had our talks we've had we've already had our talks after the talks we are completely bored and we've stressed this conversation out the news cycle will catch us we will be or intrigued about another story the next week but the interesting thing about instant gratification and the news cycle is the mere fact that we've already this it's it's it's almost 24 hours or maybe it already has been 24 hours I've already seen on social media all these takes and all these hot takes and ohh I didn't believe in his political beliefs but that doesn't mean that I could lash out like I've I've seen thousands probably on my timeline of people talking and discussing and debating and I I've seen it but the interesting thing about the new cycle in instant gratification is that we will completely forget about the situation next week but his children have to live through it forever why because that is the hell that they face that is the twinkle in their eye that they have to constantly see the smudge on on on their on their eyeballs that they have to constantly keep wiping but me I don't have to think about this tomorrow matter of fact let's episode we're talking about the 740,000 reported annually there are 700 and 40,000 people a year 2025 we are we are almost in the fourth quarter of this year by the way September is not the fourth quarter do your math look at the calendar we are almost at the fourth quarter of this year October begins the fourth quarter so that means in theory that number Is just barely breaking 700,000 and we're just on the last leg of this year just racking up the 40,000 people in the article that I referenced and I'll link it down below but it only accounts for people who have taken their own lives reported suicides because that is the hell that they have faced the point of this episode is not to scare you it's not to over state the points of how distressing and honestly how eerie this week has been the point of this episode is to prove that tomorrow is not promised today is on borrowed time and next week is a dream that only dreamers can cast we don't know what's happening tomorrow we can vaguely plot out our day we can maybe make a schedule a funny thing that I always say consciousness is a weird concept it really is there is no way that I'm conscious there's no way that from my point of view is my current life and from other points of view is their perceived view of me in my point of life the reason why I bring up the word consciousness in perceived consciousness is the fact that four times in my life I have tried to take it and a fifth time I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time I almost got hit by a car matter of fact I almost got in a car crash I was I was walking and I'm next to an intersection I take the turn I'm 15 feet away from this intersection next thing I know two cars collide 15 feet away from me my heart stops my body is paused I am absolutely shaken to my core this only happened about a year and a half ago summertime I remember it for those of you who are very very local Owings Mills Blvd. you guys know that is a Death Valley I remember it like it was yesterday the way that I paused and I looked behind me for if I was 15 feet closer Elise scrap metal from the crash maybe if I was at if maybe if I was crossing the street maybe I actually would have gotten smushed in between those two those two cards there's 3 scenarios take your shoes take your pick which one do you want to think about Charlie Kirk will no longer live to see another day the individuals who were involved in the school shooting in Colorado will no longer breathe to see another day the two people who were in that car crash will no longer rise to see a day they will no longer be able to complain about their job they will no longer be able to complain about the way life is and honestly we don't know where all of those individuals are because that is the hell that they face like we mentioned the last episode bringing up the 740,000 there is this common trend every single year on the new year that people will post all around the the suicide death toll ohh 400 people already 300 people already 1000 people already it's already a day and so many people have passed away via their own via their own mind and yeah that is very disturbing and it's crazy to think about but I want you to think about a different perspective that number of 740,000 those are confirmed suicides those are reported suicides those are people who are already either in heaven or not that is life that is just the reality of it I want you to think about another perspective what is the counter of people who are close what is the toll of people who are they haven't done it yet but they're just there they're isolated they're alone they are in their mind they're thinking thoughts that they shouldn't think what does that number because if it's 740,000 almost a million people per year across this earth let's say that another second on this plan is not worth living if there's almost a million people above a half 1,740,000 that means there's probably three times that number of people who are alive currently who wish they weren't the interesting part about the way that we live in today's society to the way that I lived when I was growing up and that's a funny thing to say even right there when I was growing up I'm only 23 years old usually when people say that they're they're referring to the early 80s maybe the 90s but for me I didn't have a phone until I was 15 or 16 I did not I did not have connection to the Internet until I was and so I was old enough to formulate my own opinion about life I I had a firm connection to God before I even knew how to operate Instagram like I did not have this connection to the online world and what truly amazes me is that the shooting that happened in Colorado that didn't happen by somebody who was way older matter of fact the shooting that happened just a couple of weeks ago also didn't happen by somebody who's way older all of these shootings and we do not know the confirmed person for Charlie Kirk all of these incidences premeditated maybe have been conducted and carried out by men and women who are my age early 20s in this case for Colorado 16 years old I know people who are 16 years old like that's that's depressing I shouldn't say that like I shouldn't know people who are 16 years old that person that I know who's 16 years old should not be the same age as the person who has just taken 3 or 4 people's lives and has injured many people in their schoolyard that shouldn't be a thing the same person that I know in Maryland the 16 year old that I'm thinking about right now should not be in the same age category of someone who's able to operate a firearm and have the willpower to use it that shouldn't be a thing but here we are why because even at the apple or whatever fruit it was and now this is the hell we face the purpose of this episode is for you to get in your brain that we all are broken the purpose of broken minds podcasts and of broken minds media company is to to relay that we all are broken every single podcast episode and podcast platform that you will hear experience or even launch yourself via this platform this company we'll have one common denominator searching out those who are broken we all have stories we all come from broken paths we all come from broken households we all have trauma and for the most of us we don't want to think about it we bury it deep inside and we don't want to consider it and that's cool I commend you on that actually I don't why because it's going to eat you up why because that is the hell you face and the more you ignore it the more you bottle it up the more it grows the more it festers the more it it the more it it expands and one of these days maybe this is not your story and maybe this will never happen God forbid but one of these days someone who is currently conscious and who shared this this crazy weird concept of consciousness will walk up into a place of learning and decide that it's some people's last day some people don't deserve to be alive just because they are having a bad day because that's not selfish at all yeah I know but that is the hell we face when I was a kid not when I was a kid but when I was a teenager and I was going through all that hell and I was going through the death of my mother and I was contemplating committing suicide and I was in that frame that framework that mindset for real like I felt with those shooters felt like I I wasn't gonna do it to another person but I was definitely sure as hell gonna do it to myself when I was in that framework I would write poetry that is the first form of creativity that God this is how I know God is with me and this is the crazy part I turned the poison that I drank from myself into the well of favor and purpose that I now see that's the crazy part the same the same gun that I shot my heart with is the same gun that I used to defend myself in the same gun that I used to defend others it's crazy the same words that I used to tell to myself now I'm telling it into a mic to say that no you are not that person you are this person you are worth something what do you know that but anyway when I was young I would write poetry I would also write short stories and I wrote a book called suicidal notes literally and it is as literal as it can be it was a manifesto it was it was a if someone were to find this that would mean I was gone that's what it was and I would I would write in it and I would only write in it when I was about to do it and I've only written little in that book very very little and weirdly oddly I actually posted it online on webpage it's same the same rate I was posting my poetry you know all this oceans of emotions teenage emotions by two poetry books at the time I was also posting this book and I was in some weird twisted way people online intrigued me I was interested by them I wanted to share my thoughts my opinions and my emotions and apparently I was way too comfortable doing that because my gosh wow that seems personal but I would do that and I cannot tell you how grateful I am for doing that because journaling my life has changed my life in so many aspects in so many ways it's not only just writing down my life in the form of poetry maybe doing this in audio but it's also taking a picture of my life saving it reliving it the next time in my poem damaged my love I say love has found the crime scene without any tape because I was not worth the investigation that is a picture of what I felt the day I wrote that poem when I was 15 years old that is a description that I would not have as a 23 year old person if I'd never have written that poem the fact that love has shot my heart with the same gun she murdered my family with ohh love has found me that is a picture of my life I wouldn't have remembered it so vividly if I did not write that poem journaling my life has changed it has shifted it and obviously it's changed other people it's crazy to me that you guys actually listen to this thing this weird assortment of words and honestly over telling of my emotional truth it's wild how people actually TuneIn doing this has given me so much freedom to say that I have a broken mind no this is not just a title of a podcast or a title of a company this is not just something cool that I put on the back of a T-shirt this is the real hell that people face every single day the difference between you and me is very vast I'm a man you might be a woman you might be another man you might be taller than me you might be shorter than me you might be older than me I might be younger than you I might be older than you we have different ethnic backgrounds I grew up in the synagogue you probably grew up in church you probably grew up in the hood you probably grew up in there's so many the amount of differences human beings can have from each other is so vast from religious beliefs dietary plans to how we even process information but I find it very interesting that the one common analogy that we all share is the fact that we are all broken why because again when eve ate that apple this is now the hell that we face there's not one human being on this earth that is perfect and there's also not one human being that tomorrow is promised tomorrow is not promised today is on borrowed time the hell we face so ending off this episode I want to ask you a question How many people can you think of right now who have thought of picking up a razor who have thought of picking up some form of destruction and have just decided to end their life 740,000 people annually this is not the total of the last 20 years this is this is annually that means every month you could do the math on that that's crazy thousands and thousands and thousands of people are dying every month why because they haven't they haven't earnestly thought that they have a broken mind they haven't shifted through their traumas and they have not considered that this is the hell that they face