Episode 6 | These are my growth pains (Ft. Macara Danielle, Mercy Valour & KIDD LEE)

The funny thing about God is you truly never know what He deems is a blessing for you, just trust in Him and see the hand of God move in your life. 
 
 

Links – 

Macara Danielle

Mercy Valour

KIDD LEE 

Podcast host – Joey the Creative

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Transcript

welcome back to the broken minds podcast a space for the broken hearted to actually realize that they are broken today we have a few listener submissions about how they have trusted God to grow them in an area where it was just not looking good and saved by the bell we had a last minute submission that I would love to honor and share with you all first thank you to makara Danielle for joining the conversation also anything I say in this episode also applies to micara we see you we love you but if you are wondering how to get on the podcast how to be involved on the creative works that goes on in creation of this podcast we are actually going to be launching a brand new community called broken creatives it's going to be an in person community but also joined online so if you want to join our first meeting will be on October 25th I want to see you there because God has put something in you and you need to pull it out so yeah jump down in the links below first of all support the podcast while you're at it but get plugged in to the Patreon we're going to be launching that community first event October 25th more information and details location will be coming soon but I love you guys and I really hope you enjoy today's episode love y'all peace so a point in my life where I had to depend on God to grow in a certain area was right before I was saved and the seasons I'm currently dealing with right now really I feel like every season of our life you know we're always depending on God to grow but there were a few seasons where it was just kind of forcefully like you know I knew I couldn't do it in my own strength and right before I was saved I was going through a battle of mental health anxiety depression PTSD whatever you name it I just cannot break this feeling of being so spiritually low and hopeless and just not even loving myself not even valuing myself you know and my life reflected that and you know and it came from a sense of being miseducated about what it really means to be someone who is walking with God you know I always understood it from a spiritual context but I didn't have a religion associated to it I couldn't you know put my faith in nothing because I was putting my faith in just about everything that people would tell me would work you know it wasn't until that I really had to bow down and surrender and I gave Jesus my life you know I didn't give crystals my life I didn't give you know anything like you know getting to new age spirituality I understood that this only brought forth disappointment deception and you know a broken heart at the end of the day I just wanted the best for myself and for all of humanity in general being a Christian is not about being judgmental I had a lot of people show me what Christianity was replaced that wasn't wholesome you know a lot of naysayers in the church who you know talk one way but act the complete other and I was like I I didn't want this for myself but when I finally had the right godly community at the time right before I was saved my best friend's family they showed me an example of what God we love really was and I had never been received in that way before and you know just between that revelation but also just coming to the understanding of God I need you I need you to break hold of this spirit that's taking control of my life you know I grew I grew I began to blossom and and this season I mean currently right now I just moved from Ohio to Maryland I'm in a new city I'm starting a new life and you know it just takes you know I have to depend on God so to make it day by day you know I came here on the whim no job no nothing and I got the job that I needed to be and I got the opportunities that I prayed for I found the community that I have been praying for these are prayers that are years in the making and I just didn't stop praying I kept holding on hope but one day I will be living the life that I've been praying for and you know right now I'm just depending on God to see that to fruition you know maybe I'm not gonna get all of that here living in Maryland but I've already seen peaks of it I've been planting seeds here and I've seen things that I've been praying for for years now really start to grow and blossom and come forward so I'm just I'm just depending on God to see it through you know I'm depending on God that his promises to me are going to come through you know there's a Jeremiah 2911 on everybody's life I believe that wholeheartedly and you know it's not about me to self sabotage and anxiety and meddle in my thoughts to talk me out of a good thing you know God wants to see me happy and prosper I just have to trust that you know and wait for it to happen

a tsunami of grief fills our hearts as we force that smile to peek through our lips yes and no it hurts I know the headaches and blank stares the cold nights and empty thoughts trust me I was there I fought with you in the midnight hour actually pacing stressing should I fully commit ohh God I wouldn't dare you never faced this alone always had a pretty hellish week just stuffed my feelings so deep it couldn't resurface so why not applaud me we all rehearsed this pain willingly give hell another reason to cheer I know I'm odd I know I'm nothing like my peers my mind is racing heart is jumping off this pier give me 5 reasons not to slip my throat in this hotel create a party matter of fact a celebration for the gates of hell and somehow I can't get my mind straight shots fired obliterated without a trace is kind of wild lives can be taken without a case or reasoning behind the hatred or malice hidden within it's all the same with me although I'm not I'm not ready to pull the trigger and refrain some memories so my kids won't ever see my failures and scars I'm truly the ruler of this proud heart and I'll die by my selfish needs to gain an early access pass to heaven or maybe front row seats to eternal suffering chained down boiled and fired my nose bleeds ardor when the demented worms tunnel just in the right spot her right demons what else do you got and where the hell is lunch after the vultures eat my flesh and cage 9 or maybe #12 because I should have been one of them but seven reasons why I didn't repent and seven letters blew that bullet into my chest but I digress because you'll never know the pain of a suicide pest always using death as an excuse not to be pushed out of his nest and grow wings like the rest of us maybe we should learn no maybe it's the only way welcome to the broken minds podcast a space for the broken hearted to realize that they are actually broken and walking this journey out with Jesus Christ if you wish to support this podcast please share this episode with your friends and download the podcast on your favorite podcasting platforms also support us monetarily these are the next down below lastly get plugged into our local community here in the DMV crash out for Christ where we engage community and encounter the body of Christ on a deeper level of both faith and fun my name is rich love and this is the broken minds podcast my growing pain started when I first found out I was pregnant it's hard I wanted to skip town I wanted to leave I wanted to go get a new number get a new identity everything because I was ashamed I was ashamed I was angry I was hurt I was scared I was everything in the book because I also became a single mother in that time as well and God has to really deal with he asked me to trust him he asked me to surrender to him and to just believe and to have faith and honestly it was hard for me because it was like ohh my gosh I thought I messed up my life you know what am I gonna do when we're going to do and he was like no just trust me so I I started to trust God and within me trusting him especially to become the best mother I can be for my child considering I'm raising a boy it was hard because what I lacked at was my emotions growing up in an abusive domestic home getting great all of this stuff it really abused me emotionally it messed me up and I had so much rage not anger but rage to the point if you ask me I would actually be able to harm somebody with how much rage I had so God began to deal with me and each began to uncover so many things that I thought I had forgiven and forgotten about but no through this I suppressed them I suppressed a lot of my emotions I suppressed almost everything that happened in my life not knowing and I was just over here walking around like a zombie but no God began to uncover them to the surface as I began to deal with my child's father that's when a lot of my emotional trauma started coming out and I really had to deal with myself with that and it hurt it really truly hurt there was not a night that I did not cry I fell into depression so bad last year and nobody knew nobody knew I fell into depression nobody knew that I literally bought a plane ticket to leave because I couldn't do it anymore to take my child and just go because I really couldn't do it anymore but God had intervened and it came to the point where he really healed me of all my emotional trauma to the point I could sit here today and be like I'm happy I'm truly genuinely happy but without those growing pains of being a single mother a young one at that not married having a child out of wedlock having problems with my parents things of this world it was hard but he began to teach me and show me this is where you're falling short at this is what's happening these are the scriptures to back it up and this is what I need you to do to let go of this pain this anger this hurt this depression and I constantly had to be in my mind because I had to make sure my words my thoughts they were all in alignment if I truly wanted to be healed and happy so yeah my growing pains motional trauma being killed from it so for me in the past year or two years I have most definitely experienced so many growing pains on things that I know that I had to go through to teach me um you know God had to allow me to go through certain things and certain fiery trials in order to shape and to refine me into you know show me things that I didn't even know was there and in me and it has not been fun um there has been nights where I was crying so hard I couldn't even breathe on nights that I thought about taking my own life um so many dark valleys so many dark things so many so many huge things that I felt like I could not fight on my own so many things I felt like I couldn't handle on my own and I know for a fact that I would have never been able to get through it if it wasn't for Jesus being right there with me the entire time and um you know even though it felt like I was alone some of the times even though it felt like I was never gonna make it out of these valleys I was never gonna see the light of day again I know he was always with me and he strengthened me and it's definitely been it's been it's been a very crazy season and there's been times where I'm like God when is it gonna be over you know but I've seen his power and I've seen his grace and I've seen his mercy and I've seen his kindness and I've seen his strength manifest in my life you know helping me through um and I'll give some examples so I guess the first one I'll start with is me and my grandma we were very close and I know I've been on your podcast and I've told this story before um tears were coming to my eyes as I was telling this story last time but I believe that God has given me more strength to be able to tell this story you know even as a testimony and um it definitely hurt me and I can't even sit on this podcast and tell tell you that it's not still hurting me to this day you know but God has given me strength to get up every day and to keep going you know it's in its strength that you know I would have never had in the world you know if if I was still in the world I would have never had the strength to get up and keep walking and keep going and keep smiling and keep rejoicing and keep having faith you know and I I know it's nobody but Jesus but um so me and my grandma we were very close and umm we would talk on the phone a lot um she was one of the people I would open up to the most and I you know I really loved my grandma I still love my grandma now but I I really was close to her you know I felt like she showed me the character of Christ before I knew who Christ was in the world and and that's not to say that she was perfect you know she had her flaws um at the time and stuff but like OK so me and my grandma were close and you know I'm I'm not expecting anything you know to happen and I'm I'm in Christ at the time I gave my life to Christ towards before anything you know happened to her I gave my life to Christ and I was embarrassed about my faith at the time because I came from the world and I didn't know what my friends would think I didn't know what my family members would think I didn't know what anybody would think you know and I was I was afraid and I was ashamed of my faith and I didn't even tell her you know but she started to see overtime that I was you know I was showing the fruit and you know I was changing and yeah she could just see the light so I just thank God that he allowed her to see that before you know yeah but she ended up getting dementia and I remember um she would no longer call me anymore and I didn't know why because she never told me that she was getting that cause I think she knew I would take it the hardest she would never call me anymore she would never really talk to me anymore and you know it was like she just wasn't there anymore slowly overtime her mind started to just crumble and she wouldn't you know she just wouldn't really say much in anymore and there would be time she'd sit there and she'd stare into space I remember when I got told that she had dementia I remember it felt like my world was crashing down I remember it felt like I was never I felt like life wasn't worth living anymore I'll be honest like it felt like you know that was like a really really hard thing for me to deal with and um it was so hard and I remember I didn't wanna wake up the next day I didn't wanna get out of bed um And he overtime gave me my strength back and helped me cope and that's just one situation and um you know he was really my strength in my weakness he was strong and another one I'd say is um growing up as a child I had a *********** addiction and I even took that *********** addiction in Christ and it's like I would be clean for a little bit and then I would fall and I would beat myself up and I'd feel like I'm not worthy of talking to Christ I'm not worthy of talking to him and I really wanna stop but I don't know how and you know he he's teaching me now how to give this to him you know when I face temptation to fall into lust I I call on his name and I tell him like Lord I feel like I am going to fall I feel like I am literally going to fall if you don't help me and I give it to him and I allow him to help me and this is something that I've had to lean on him 4 because I cannot do it in my own strength I am literally weak and I allow him to be my strength and he's literally my everything you know and even with the past one to two years I have been falling back in depression I've been falling back into anxiety I've been falling into things that I thought that I would never fall into again but I have seen Jesus be my strength in the midst of it all and as I lean on him as I literally seek him as I literally go read my word and I literally try my best to believe what he says and the word is true and what the what what the word of God says believing that it is true I feel my strength coming back but I know it's not me I know it's him although I know that the pain doesn't feel good the things that I've had to go through that doesn't feel good like the feeling the depression again feeling the feeling like you know dealing with financial issues dealing with um not knowing how I'm gonna how I'm gonna do this how I'm gonna do that like God my car payments coming up I don't know how I'm gonna pay it I have you know income is coming in extremely slow I've literally had to lean on him for everything I've literally had to place my trust in him and I'm not gonna sit here and act like I've been perfect in that you know I I haven't been perfect in placing my trust in Jesus you know there's been so many times where I've slipped and I've put trust in myself more than I put trust in him and you know I'm I'm human and I'm still growing and I'm still allowing the Holy Spirit to shape me I'm I'm flawed I'm very flawed and that's one thing that I can see when I go to the secret place I can see I'm flawed you know when I when I talk to Jesus when I grow closer to him I can see that I'm flawed I can see how much I need him you know and even dealing with pride you know I've dealt with pride pride will tell you that you don't have to seek the Lord or tell you you don't have to get up and pray you don't have to go to go to the word you don't have to do this you don't have to do that but we need Jesus for everything you know we need we need his strength and I and I've realized that more than ever in this season that I'm in because it's been a dark season it's been a wilderness season it's been a season that I never knew that I would have to go through but it's also been a season of revealing more of his character and it's been a season where I have to focus on him more than I focus on the trials in my life it's been a season where I have to focus on him more and I focus on the amount of money in my bank account it's been a season where I have to focus on him more than I focus on how am I gonna get through this how am I gonna be able to push through how is my joy gonna come back how am I ever gonna feel like this again God why do I feel so weak God why do I cry myself to sleep God but it's like I focus on him and I know that he's good and I know that he's with me even in the darkest valley like it says in psalms 23 for you are with me your rod and your staff they comfort me you know he's our shepherd and I'm and I'm learning more and more that as I trust him through these growing pains as I keep my my focus on him as I continue to seek his face as I continue to literally lean on the Holy Spirit to help me seek his face because when I'm in my flesh I can't do it you know I need the Holy Spirit the Holy Spirit is my comforter the Holy Spirit is my helper the Holy Spirit is my friend the Holy Spirit helps push me towards God the Holy Spirit helps me to remember the word of God when I'm falling when I'm going through trials when I'm going through the darkest valley you know even with my music I've had to lean on God I've had to literally lean on Jesus like there was a time the other day I literally felt so sad and I didn't know why I was so broken inside it I didn't know why and I had to record a verse and I was like Lord I have nothing in myself right now I have nothing but Lord I need you to help me I need you to speak through me for these people I need you to use me as your vessel because I am weak you know when I'm weak he's strong and I'm learning how to continuously lean on him and grow through the pain and and and I'm learning to remember that as believers in Christ we will all face trials we will all face fiery trials but we can't give up on the Lord because he's not given up on us you know he will never give up on us and I know that we have to continue to trust in him and even when I deal with unbelief I like to pray help me with my unbelief you know I literally need Jesus for everything we need Jesus for everything I need Jesus to help me with the lust I need Jesus to help me with the depression that tries to creep up on me I need Jesus to help me with the anxiety with the scrolling on my phone to numb my mind when something happens when something happens I can't go to my phone and scroll on social media I have to seek the Lord I have to depend on him for everything and I fall short in these areas but I've seen God be everything to me in this season because I have nothing in myself and I have no way on my own and this is something that I know and this has been my growing pains for these for this season for the wilderness season for the season of breaking for the season of refining has been it's been hard it hasn't been fun um my joy has came from the Lord if I can smile if I can smile if I can laugh it's from the Lord you know like he's the he's my reason he's my foundation you know and and I I need him and we all need him because we're all flawed humans and we mess up and we fall short and we go through things on mental health is very real you know mental health problems are very real and we need the Lord to help us with that the joy of the Lord is our strength and as we seek him more and more it will help us yeah so I appreciate you for having me on the project and that's definitely been how I've seen the Lord help me in this season and you know that's been my growing pains so yeah so for me a moment I had to trust in God was the time I left my former church and we touched on this the last episode although that was the most vulnerable time of my life because that community was all I had was not only my family my closest friends all the way down to fresh acquaintances I believe the trigger for all of this broken minds O trash out for Christ and even our new community broken creatives which you'll hear about later but all of this started because I tested the waters shook off my comfort zone and did something that everyone thought I was insane to do well in essence all I did was trust in God and no not the God my church built walls and rules around but the creator of the universe the one who lives outside the bounds of time and is within past present and future all at the same time to be honest all of my creative life it has been super super hard to talk about all the trials and hardships I had to face because very real things happen to very real people and very real people were separated and if you talk too much you might end up offending people but now I see it this way the hell and hardships I have face if I talk about them it can not only free other people who might be facing the same troubles but it also sets a hard line in the sand that indicates no I will not let this happen ever again not to me and not to anyone I encounter in my life and This is why I'm so proud of my two sisters in Christ mercy valor and kid Lee because they have stepped up today and have shared portions of their testimony and some things I actually was not aware of nor could ever imagine someone facing an coming out of and a good mental state only by the grace of God of course and if I can speak for the three of us I feel like all of us all three of us have this one thing in common we have all faced depression and we've all wanted to take ourselves out but why why haven't we I I find it so interesting how God works because I did not know these two sisters in Christ when I was facing my depression back in 2021 leaving my prior church and from then even till now I'm still here why is that was it maybe because God was teaching me pruning me and slowly killing off my flesh to grow me into the man I am today let me tell you the products what God has done from the pains that we had to endure a handsome baby boy has entered this world a vast community of Christ followers and a discography of music has emerged and a growing Christian production company is blazing the trail the only thing is no one knows the pain the tears the outbreaks burst in moments facing death that all three of us had to endure nobody sees the days we gave up no one knows the cut marks on our arms or the flight tickets nor the sad nights nobody saw it but glory be to God everyone all of you guys can freely reap the benefits of fields you did not sew to be inspired by mercy valor and her story to which you did not go through that situation although you can you can feel encouraged to jump into parenthood knowing that you have a sister in Christ to speak to or maybe you have gone through that situation are going through that situation right now you now know someone in this world who I'm going to link down below you now know someone in this world who has gone through that same thing this is on top today all of this is not to our credit at least not to mine I can't speak for anyone else but I know good and well that long long long time ago I gave up completely like even if I was not a Christian and I was not giving glory to God I still can't take credit for any of this why because I was hopeless purposeless I dropped out of college and left the only community I ever knew around the same time mind you to be completely honest for a year span I was totally floating in an empty space of nothingness but God had other plans and I never knew my deepest and darkest pains would lead me to meeting other creatives who also needed a shoulder to cry on and people's event to the story of how I came to be a creative is quite simple and also quite harsh at the same time when I was going through the death of my mother and and everything was just pelting my brain I started writing poetry and I started posting those little clips of my wicked intense evil thoughts online and as I kept posting them every once in a while a comment would appear under the post and it would say ohh this is beautiful ohh this is amazing this is great and they would confuse me because this is my pain like this is the stuff that I cry about at night like this this is the intense hell that I'm facing in this current moment although what I do not see is I don't see the growth that God is budding within me I don't see the fact that I am willing enough to even post these things online I don't see the fact that someone else may be going through the same scenario in the same situations but there are way too afraid to post online they're they're too afraid to even tell another person so when they see me just randomly posts online about it I truly never know how it affects the hearts of people and who it impacts so I started posting and posting and posting and that just poem after poem and then it became a collection of poems one was called oceans of emotions and another one was called teenage emotions and another one I posted and I kind of slightly talked about this before another one I posted was literally called suicidal notes and of course the only time I posted on that those collections of writing when I was going through a moment fighting to live that in essence is my journey of creativity and as I as as I posted I started taking these things to Instagram and building a following there finding friends who have common thoughts that I did and as I started growing that on Instagram and every single week I would post a story post that checked up on my followers mental health I called it my mental Mondays and I did that for a year and a half every single Monday early in the morning and now get replies and I would reply to you guys and it was fun and then eventually that led me to start the podcast in 2022 and then from there on I just I don't even know but it all started because I faced pains traumas and certain things that erupted within my childhood that I didn't know how to get through but I knew how to practice what God has put in me and that became my coping mechanism that became the reason why why I'm not as emotional anymore when I think about my mother's death or why suicidal thoughts don't abound my my my presence because God has not only completely rid all of that of my from my life but also given me something that I can encourage other people to walk in faith and trust in God but also to walk in their creativity and This is why I want to start something new I want to curate a place a safe haven for Christian creatives to gather network connect club and honestly to bond with other believers in Christ because we need it everyone needs a shoulder to cry on everyone needs people to vent to but also everyone needs people to to lift us up when when we are struggling and in times of need so we're gonna do something different for the last quarter of 2025 I want all of us Christian creatives in the DMV to gather our first gathering will be on October 25th and I want to see you there this community is both for creatives who already are operating in their creative gifts but also it's four people who do not who do not know that they even have a gift they don't even know what that is And it's for them to develop what God has placed in them even though they do not know what that is so this community will be held via my Patreon and the link will be down in the description but that will get you plugged in to our in person meetings but also our gatherings on discord and just sharing your creative giftings interacting with the community collaborating with people and growing in this space but ultimately the point of this episode is to say the hell we have faced is not an easy road to manage going through the three stories the three people here today being suicidal as a teen being a young single mother and watching your grandma drift away all of this is not easy it's not a pretty scene although through it all God has been in the center for each and every single one of us not only for myself but for mercy valor and for leandra god has been in the center and we might understand it now but

All the hurts and pains that we're going through God has a purpose for it all so with all that I pray you are reminded that you are not going through this alone and hey now you have absolutely no excuse because you have a community right here with the broken creatives crew there are people not only in this community but there are people in your local area who may be going and facing through the same things you are going through all you have to do is speak up because if you don't talk no one will ever know and you'll decay and that is not the purpose that God has for you