Episode 9 | Will I decay in this pit (Pt. 2) How to heal your darkest trauma.

Sometimes the answers to life lays within the moments that seem to be the hardest to think about, and it might be time to release those thoughts, heal, and reconstruct. 

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Podcast host – Joey the Creative

Guest - Mercy Valour

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Transcript

this is my hell so God dragged me out this pit I'm in the enemy has ripped my brain limb for limb I can't see sound waves nor small thoughts and useless without my lungs to cry oh oh just reply because we all know nobody will ever listen to me take this dagger out my school so worms can make their home and get a little too excited when townsman passed this pit I'm in too comfortable in my no trust me everything's OK I'm gonna write this depression after years of I had nowhere to go nowhere to hide I'm nothing Lord wipe those from my eyes I need you closer and closer to me before I drown I guess for air but my lips sealed back to around diving deeper and deeper rock bottom is not the grounds I can't plant my tombstone here from my spiral where we create this pit up in well I ever return to the surface please help me need space to process all the others now 1 let me out of this one I swear I just need remove this phrase trust me welcome to the broken minds podcast a space for the broken hearted to realize that they are actually broken and walking this journey out which Jesus Christ if you wish to support this podcast please share this episode when friends and download the podcast on your favorite podcasting platforms also support us monetarily using their legs down below lastly get plugged into our local community here in the DMV crash out for Christ where we engage community encounter the body of Christ on a deeper level of both faith and fun my name is rich love and this is the broken mice podcast I want you to remember what it feels like the silent cries and twisted thoughts the spiraling doubts that nodded your gut let's consider the inner cave and it's creeping beast the boogie man to the sexual assault that you still keep under lock and key the darker bits to the runaway father that corrupted your manhood brothers Mr. I know the gates of hell are easy and free but you don't have to stay glued to this conveyor belt headed to an endless pit of fire with demons ripping apart your flesh forever and ever I want you to remember the last thought of innocence you had the last day that life was truly bliss maybe that's still you cherish this moment don't forget to kiss your mother on the cheek before she heads to work brother please hug your father before he encounters war because the path of a man scares him and let us all see it from their perspective because nothing really prepares them to call themselves mother father grandmother grandfather the fear of a broken household perpetuates unintentional damage that leads to more broken hearts it's carnage off a leashed rotten flesh covered in bleach and swear we preach we are free but still bound by traumas we are too afraid to teach our children to face because we are too ashamed to say we weren't strong enough to handle that's the root of it pride we all want to take life by the balls and be stiff neck to say that we are its boss but I truly see an insecure selfish afraid child through the gates of your eyelids you are broken you are torn apart and just too hard headed to see it you blame all your problems on this life as if you are the second coming of Christ ohh you are such a perfect being no I smell fear in your eyes the twitch in your heart every time a bill hits the countertop every time a relationship grows apart I know it hurts you I know you have no choice to lash out at these innocent babies because you are empty inside I know you are jealous of the joyous gleam in their eyes but that's not excuse to give it all up I know your parents did not teach you how to love and I know you're afraid to mess this all up but that's the beauty of life nothing comes without suffering even a seed is not freed from its prison cell without dying even the change of seasons has chaos of storms and even Jesus Christ prayed for this cup to pass for him believe me after three days of hell he proved to us it wouldn't last so why are you folding to this one test if God is for you then what do you have to fear you are in this pit but he will not last forever what is your trauma how does it affect you who do you blame and what can you learn from it welcome back to the broken minds podcast a place for the broken hearted to actually realize that they are broken and walking this life out with Jesus Christ there's so much to say about a broken heart a broken mind broken spirit although with this series will I decay in this pit I wanna talk about the hardest moment of our lives the moments where if it not have been for the Lord there truly wouldn't have been any reason why we still stand here today I don't know if you have faced that moment I have definitely faced this moment it's this pinnacle time in our lives this moment this instant that completely freezes time it completely makes everything irrelevant we go through this trauma and everything halts a family member passes away financial distress is like hard pressed on you difficulties in your marriage difficulties in your financing difficulties in just relationships either it's just friendships partnerships business relationships these moments crash on us and sometimes we can find ourselves in a pit buried in the sand with nowhere to go and for some people the moments are like really severe a traumatic experience has happened to them that completely alters the entirety of their lives and for other people it might be in our eyes very small I know a lot of people who go through college school and they're hitting exam week and well hey don't take my advice nor my path I dropped out look if school is for you follow it do what God has told you to do but for me I dropped out I I wasn't I wasn't made for that I wasn't built for that I'm way too creative to go through that but I do remember going through exam week and be absolutely crushed with anxiety and and and that sat in my heart and turned into depression and that sat in my heart and turned into ultimately just hatred for everything around me I remember that moment and the feeling is unsettling it doesn't matter how small or how large it is there are moments in our lives that defined who we are they are the breaking points they determine life sometimes life and death sometimes it's that serious last episode we were talking about the Joseph story we were talking about how Joseph received that moment in his life multiple times and sometimes when we read the Bible we read it straightforward we read it as it is written we don't read it as it is and what I mean by this is that we can turn to genesis and we can turn to that chapter and we can we can read the story right and then we can flip to the next chapter and we can read that that and we and we can get to the end OK cool he becomes second in command everything works out he like literally it is this is a God story everything comes through but sometimes do not read the Bible in the way that it is from a first person point of view you might be an only child right but if you are not an only child and if you have siblings or if you are an only child and use your imagination to say that you have siblings right now how would you feel if all of your siblings collectively as a unit which is probably the hardest thing on planet earth for siblings to do collectively how would you feel if all of your siblings collectively turned against you specifically you not not that they turned against you and another sibling and outcast you both no they turn against you how would you feel not only that they doubled back and then they sold you into slavery when you think about it that way if I were to take my siblings right now and they were to collectively conspire against me I'm like wait a minute we literally just sat at the dinner table yesterday I talked about I talked about my day yesterday with you last month I gave you $15.00 for gas like what is going on like sometimes we need to think about it in this view and and once we think about it in this view the Bible becomes more relative to us we talked about the Joseph story in the respect that Joseph had to go through pitfalls in order to be elevated by God he had the vision he had the dream but he was just a little too cocky in the dream he did not have a full picture of what it meant he did not know that this story had sidequest and plot twist the side quest was actually the main plot of the story he did not know that he just thought that the vision that God gave him that his sheath stretch high above all the other sheets and that he was above his family and that his fatted calf was strong and mighty and everyone else's was weak I want to tell you that God has given you a dream God is giving you a gift although God he will not reveal the entire gifting to you the message of last episode is plain and simple you have to go through a pit in order to get to where God is taking you you have to go through it it's not if but when you go through these things to explain to you that the reason why I'm creative the reason why I'm talking on the microphone the reason why I'm starting these communities and crash out for Christ and broken creatives and we're actually having our first broken creatives meeting a Christian networking meeting events all that good stuff we're having that first meeting this Saturday 2:00 PM if you're listening to this on October 25th before 2:00 PM you need to meet up with us but the reason why I'm creative and I and I create things and I create communities and all this stuff and I write poetry and I talk on the podcast all of this stuff the reason why this is is because I was broken I went through a broken heart I suffered through pits I felt what that feels like the Joseph story really teaches us that life without darkness is is boring because you imagine still could you imagine Joseph still being that cocky little kid running around the camp like running around endlessly talking about these two dreams these two visions that God showed him could you imagine if the brothers never sold him to slavery never threw him in that pit he would never grew to be the second in command in Egypt never he would have died being that cocky little kid and ultimately the famine would have progressed and many lives would have suffered because he didn't go through the refining pot there's a line in the poem that I read for you guys earlier in the episode and it said that even a seed is entrapped in its prison cell until it dies new seasons have their storms everything beautiful on this planet earth has a decaying feature everything there is nothing that's beautiful on this earth that does not have an opposite side so yes I want you to realize you will enter seasons of brokenness you will enter that pit what is your trauma we're gonna walk through a couple of questions what is your trauma how does it affect you who do you blame and what can you learn from it what is your trauma that is something I cannot answer for you and maybe it's not just one thing for me it was 1 pinnacle moment in my life that scarred me for life and then obviously I am still struggling with minuscule things but for that one portion of my life that was the one thing that it felt like someone a random person who I never met walked up to me and started a knife into my heart twisted it pulled it out it felt shredded and then stared me in the eye said I loved you and then watched me fall backwards that's what that moment in my life felt like that was the hell I faced that was the pit that I was in what is your trauma sometimes our traumas are not baked to the surface many times it takes another person to point out who we are what we have been through This is why therapy is so important because it takes that one person who is in professionally invested to walk you through step by step slowly getting back to your childhood some traumas are subconscious they have happened to you in a time and error where you are not consciously available where you were a child some traumas are subconscious but you have chosen them to be subconscious some things in life that you have gone through you were fully conscious of it of it happening and you've stuffed it down so many layers of your heart that it's it's virtually impossible to peek inside everyone has a trauma in their life here's what I'll say I have been doing this podcast for well over three years now you might not think that I've been doing this podcast for well over three years because what is this like the 9th or 10th episode the truth of the matter is I have rebranded and rebranded and rebranded and relabeled this podcast and repackaged this podcast time and time over again but my entirety of podcasting has been three years I have conducted interviews with people artists people at church Christians I always have this one question and the question is phrased exactly precisely like this verbatim what was the moment in your life Where it was the darkest point of your life a moment where if it had not been for the Lord you would not be alive today or you would not have gotten through till to this day the answers that I've received from this question is is covers a wide variety of topics topics from being in prison from from childhood trauma from church trauma from sexual assault from abuse from mental manipulation from suicide thoughts from suicide actions traumas of people being in witchcraft moments of people Making a decision that has forever altered their life and other people's lives this question never ceases to amaze me there's there's never the same answer now there's there there's the same answer in their categories like I've had multiple stories of people going through church I've had actually surprisingly multiple stories of people being in prison and just walking through that experience I've had multiple stories of people practicing witchcraft and walking through that experience I've had multiple stories of people being abused and all of those subcategories of how abuse integrates in our society I've had multiple conversations of people like you can separate all of these topics into their categories and there's the common denominator between all of them not that they're in there they're the subgroup but that they're all have this common denominator of I at one point in my life was broken whether I was being sexually abused going through mental abuse going through spiritual abuse or I was you know I grew up in a broken house but this question really identifies to the source what people's traumas are this is who I am Joey on this podcast I'm not hiding who I am I have the vulnerability enough to say this is who I am this is what I've been through this is what life is I'm not hiding it I am not I'm not putting icing on the cake for this it is it it is what it is I say that to say your story is relative to people the trauma that you have been through what is your trauma the trauma that you have been through is relative to people all of this is interconnected in this network and as soon as you find the first node in your network thousands of them will instantly appear as soon as I found one person to talk about my suicidal thoughts to you and how I got delivered and healed from it nodes appear all over the place and how does it affect you the way that my trauma affected me was quite brash the feeling of being alone endlessly all of the time never sat right with me or maybe I was too comfortable with it that I desired something more I think the reason why we never conquer our fears and and truly get delivered from these traumas is that one we never identify what it is so we're always confused in 20 years and 10 years and five years and two minutes after we're always confused on what it is how to go about it and how to traverse it because we never identify it we don't even know where to begin and we do not properly allocate how is it affecting us How does it affect you what are the habits that you inhibit on a daily basis that is pinpointed to this trauma go throughout your day search everything that you've done all the way from waking up reading your Bible making coffee making breakfast and going to work what of those actions are caused by your trauma what what what is that for many people it is physically scene you go through a trauma in your life whether it's childhood trauma or or whatever it was and you physically it physically affects you whether you are a drug abuser like you are hooked on the hardest drugs cause you just want to numb the pain whether you were hooked on cigarettes and and weed and all this stuff you want to numb the pain you were alcoholic and sometimes these things don't even have to be negative like all of these things that I've cited they're all at least in my point of view and I think in the common sense point of view very negative sources to to to to go to and to find quote UN quote freedom in these things only numb the pain they do not take you out of your depressive spirit they just numb it for like a few hours that's that's all it is like they give you that they give you that boost and it's just gone and then you have to find and and and the hardest part is you have to go harder on that thing to get another boost because you build that tolerance within you so every single time you wanna find that away. You just have to break that tolerance get more drunk get more high but sometimes it doesn't even have to be negative attributes sometimes it could be positive attributes here's the thing that we do not understand everything that is seen as right and wrong I want you to throw it out the window we have misconstrued the meaning of what right and wrong is all because it is right does not mean you should pursue it in the manner of which you're pursuing it it all depends on how and what is the purpose behind it we would think working is right working is biblical working is before the fall like working is before eve and Adam ate the apple like that is biblical like what I'm doing right now is biblical like this is my job this is what I do this is media I am a podcast producer I launch people's podcasts this is what I do for a career I also do video shoots that is my job OK so work is positive it's biblical right but being a workaholic can also be negative and it can also be a numbing factor and to numbing your trauma you waking up at 5:00 AM and rushing out the door and getting back home Dang near at 10 taking no breaks not resting on the Sabbath which is something I need to do that's conviction on my behalf but being a workaholic is a numbing factor it could be you might say it's ohh well at least I'm not on drugs well OK cool you're not on drugs but you are degrading your body probably as fast you're not resting that is affecting you there is something that has happened in your life a traumatic event that is affecting you and you are using a workaholic spirit to overcome that trauma who do you blame I'm not going to lie I stole I'm gonna steal this from my pastor this past week pastor Steven Chandler from union church was actually talking about broken hearts he was actually talking about the effects of a broken hearted person and I think that message really aligned with me super super deeply because it's like this is this is all me this is who I am broken minds code open creatives like this is it like we we are here to provide the space for the broken hearted to actually realize that they are broken this is the entire message this is this is it to swim in vulnerability to drink it to be free but he was talking about what do we blame on the behalf of our brokenness to miss out on the accountability that we can we can take and he brought up something that made every campus in the DMV squirm he said some of you slap a Zodiac sign on top of it and call it alright ohh I'm I'm this way because the pisces is is revolving around my second moon and and how it gleams off the stars no you're just an irritable person and you need help I I I I am so I'm so angry all the time just because the the Orion belt has has has hasn't hasn't walked across the moon yet and and it's it's the light of the Saturn is is deflecting across the the the makeshifts of the ohh you're just unforgiving and you are a selfish human being and you're just pisssed off all the time because of it we can often get in this space where we deem ourselves to be perfect and that nothing that we do is wrong and that if there's something wrong within us something else must have caused it like we are not the cause for our trauma we are not the cause for what is going on in our lives and pastor Stephen Shannon he also brought up another point where he would be around people and they would talk about you know traumatic thing after traumatic thing after traumatic thing you know this happened and this happened and this happened and this keeps happening and this keeps happening and it's like it comes to the point where you have you internalize and you have to think what is the common denominator here what is the common denominator like I would have these friends in my life and it's like well goodness like I am now a perfect being there is probably something that irritates me or that goes wrong in my life or that truly throws me off every every week or two weeks for three weeks major major things like major traumatic events probably only happen once or twice a year like I'm talking major like the the death of a loved One Financial troubles and problems I'm talking like God if if you don't come through type major events probably only happen once or twice a year every other day month week of the year is just kind of just chilling I mean yeah I have things going on but overall I'm kind of just vibing but then you'll have these people where the entire world crashes on them every single day and it's like what are you doing what are you doing like I can't even say what are you doing that I'm not doing because I definitely do not want to have your life but it's like what are you not doing to prevent these things and sometimes we just need that slap and that realization that it's like what can we do to grow from this moment what can we learn and shift and and and change and alter so that we can be on top of of the situations around us and not have the situations cave us and swallow us in how can we better steward our lives our first point was what is your trauma identifying the trauma the second how does it affect you going through your life what are the traits the habits that alter your life due to the trauma that you have faced the third one who do you blame it on is it that accountability factor that you take on yourself and your own behalf and you grow and get better or do you blame it on the stars and the moon do you blame it on just life do you blame it on the fact that you're black what are you blaming this on and all of this culminates into one one thought how are you growing from the situations the traumas the the the trial that you have gone through a couple episodes ago we had a collaborative episode with mercy valor marara KIDD LEE and they were reflecting on the the trials in their lives very specific trials and how they grew from it each story respectively had its own impactful narrative of how they went through a traumatic experience the first story with mercy going through abuse going through a lifestyle a chaotic lifestyle growing up in an abusive home finding out she's pregnant at a young age and going through and traversing that McCarron entering a new city a new state a new lifestyle new new friendships new everything new culture new people everything is new traversing that leandra finding out that her grandmother no longer hold on to her first name and that hurts especially when you are someone who takes very good care of your loved ones and to find out that that and all those memories are just slowly drifting away it there's some pains that that that's something that you now have to you now have to go through all of these situations are very traumatic can be very traumatic and have probably caused very much harm but every single one of these women of God have trusted the Lord each step of the way and have learned through their trauma have trusted the Lord fully moving to a whole new state and have learned it through countless events that has happened what to do what not to do have learned through having dark conversations with the baby father learning how to rectify that learning how to walk through forgiveness learning how to seek God and godly counsel and to be whole again to not be angry all the time to not be infuriated with rage all the time because of what has happened to learn how to go on in life with the with the nuance that now the person that you love so deeply doesn't even know your first name anymore and have to be reminded of why they love you so much and why you love them so much there there is a deep a a pit yes there's a deep pit that you can find yourself in if you just take those situations for face value and you just leave it there but the developing yourself outside of that and learning from it and processing it and going through that trail of forgiveness and rectification coming to Christ and knowing God as your Lord and savior you can go through those moments yes it's going to be painful at the beginning being betrayed by Joseph's brothers I I'd imagine it's like wow that's being sold into slavery even worse by the people he loved by the people who chair he he he he called brother going through those moments those very hard tough moments of life Then identify who are you blaming it on are you avoiding accountability are you blaming your sarcasm on the stars and the moon that is something I struggle with not not Zodiac signs I don't I don't do Zodiac signs at all I'm Christ follower but I struggle with irritation and sarcasm I am a very sarcastic person I get very irritable extremely quickly it's like at the drop of a pen or a pencil in the wrong moment of time irritates me and a lot of people don't know that when they first meet me so when they first meet me it's like I will fling some jokes off and just be sarcastic but they don't know that so the end they end up being like you know a little hurt by it and and sometimes I have to be that's my fault I take accountability I totally did not mean to say this or hurt you in this manner like I'm completely sorry and it's like that's something I have to work on like that's the thorn in my side that I have to work on like I can actually hurt people by not recognizing that this is a trait that I carry from my past traumas that I'm still trying to heal from yes the Lord God has completely saved and delivered me from suicidal thoughts and ideations I no longer have those dreams those thoughts those visions those nightmares none of that but there are still things that I'm working on O1 identify what the trauma is to figure out how is it affecting you how is it is it changing you at all what do you blame it on three and how can you develop yourself through it I feel as though we're going to talk about this on the next episode cause the next episode we're going to talk about Noah and I I was trying so so hard to invite the story of Noah in this episode and kind of talk about that I don't know I just couldn't I just couldn't get it I just couldn't do it and I think that's God saying that's not for this episode but if you were to analyze each biblical story you will find like the Bible is more emotional than you think it is it is very emotional like if you really break down these stories and you really put yourself in that first person point of view because like again we read the Bible like like verse verse verse verse verse verse verse verse chapter verse verse verse verse verse verse verse verse chapter and we don't read the Bible as in verse oh oh oh oh wow verse Yikes ohh we don't read the Bible like that we don't really break it down and understand what these people felt because these were very real people Joseph very really got betrayed by all of his brothers Noah very really was that man on the ark with his family and he had to hear the screams of everyone else banging on the door and that's what I wanted to tap in but we'll we'll we'll talk about that next episode the point of this episode is to go through that road map to figure out how can you heal from your hardest trauma I'm not talking about the the bee sting of yesterday I'm not talking about a bee sting like that's not what I'm talking about I'm talking about generational trauma I'm talking about a family member passing away financial disparity I'm talking about something in your life that has happened to you and you just don't know what to do about it it is completely foreign of you of how to get and it might be physical like financial it might be spiritual it might be unforgiveness it might be hatred towards somebody whatever it is go through that road map what is it you cannot there's nothing in this world that you can fix rectify without identifying what it is you have to figure out what is it and even that within itself is a three to four hour conversation for some people what is it ohh it's this OK what there's there's this concept that Jordan Peterson and if you don't know Jordan Peterson is an excellent communicator and psychologist one of the top people that I honestly listen to but he'll often go through this road map OK this happened why did this happen OK that happened because of this why did that happen because of this and he would literally like he would stare at one of his psychology students he would stare at them and just go through this road map breaking down each level of analysis to everything in its order OK you're in this class why are you in this class because you want to be a better person why do you want to be a better person because you want to get married why do you want to get married because you want to have children why do you want to have why do you like he will literally ask these questions until the student can no longer answer these questions and it's the same thing with finding your the the the root cause of your trauma I feel angry and depressed because so and so said this why did so and so say this why did that trigger that emotion within me it's not because so and so said that that triggered that emotion within me OK let's look deeper what was the emotion that was triggered what causes that what is the root cause of this once you identify it then you go through how does it affect me is it through sarcasm is it through irritation is it through anger is it through rage unforgiveness is it through the silent treatment is it through childish behavior like what is it through yelling and screaming showing a sign like what how does that affect you once you figure out how does it affect you then go through the road map of what are you blaming it on are you taking accountability for your actions and your sarcasm and your anger and your outbursts and your streams and your fits and your childish behavior or are you blaming it on the stars the moon Zodiac signs the the Angel numbers the the the horoscope the whatever the tarot card readings are whatever richcraft thing you wanna blame it on identify that ohh it's time now to take accountability after you've gone through all of those steps it's like now it's like no I know what it is I know how it's affecting me I know why I'm not taking accountability or what am I pushing it off on I have all these ingredients to be better now it's finally time to be better and I pray that you do this through godly community and coming to Christ but even if you are unsure about coming to Christ you can still go through these steps and figure out to the root cause of what happened and to receive healing from this level of a broken mind