Episode 4 | I AM BROKEN (Pt. 1) – The hell we face.

What is the hell that you face? Have you realized it? And if so, what are you going to do about it? Let’s talk about it! 

Voiceover Credits:

Jordan Garriss 

Arriana Carter
 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:05

There's beauty and chaos within my inner depths. Anger and happiness swells gateways I've yet to cross, but the hell I've endured can also be seen as a loss of clarity. I see it clearly now. The rage burns, fierce within me. I can hear it kindling deep within my empty soul. I am nothing without the lies I've told. This false personality transcends my moral view. I can do whatever I choose under the microscope, just as long as God doesn't take it. Who am I kidding? God's too busy to worry about me.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

Sometimes the stuff we face, the hot fireplace down below, is an inward battle we try to conceal. A war within our spirits that we try to hide, although we fail every time. We think we are so strong, but truly we are frail inside. Insecure. Filled with rage in our hearts, and most times we don't even understand it. Every day gambling a body we did not create. A heart we could never perceive. And a mind that truly drifts in the wind, carried by a consciousness that lives outside our known existence.

SPEAKER_02 1:28

This is the hell I face. Time over time, scrutinized of how I live. Trust me, there's no F in grace. Because if there were, I'd smell the fragrance of my decaying body on the side of the dirt road. A rotting disappointment to those who cared, a forgotten memory for those I was never near. My darkest traumas come alive in the midnight hour. A space between reality and a lucid dream. A space between the possibilities of what life could be. But this is the hell I faced. I feel so far from you, as if a bullet was shot in my chest. Something feels off. Lord, in this dark hour, I cry out to you. Don't leave me here to walk in this cage. I need you to be present before my rage consumes me head to toe, before rats pick at my flesh and fire ants make me their home, before worms tunnel my eyes and vultures puke up my intros. Lord, a bitter picture it is. But this hell is not what I want. To burn eternally within the earthly realm was my quest. I thought I could get back right. You know, have a season of sad nights to return with the saints of Christ to paradise. But why did the gate close? Matter of fact, those locks were quite unnecessary. Lord, I swear the next day I was gonna all that rage in my heart. I was gonna release it all. Trust me, I would have forgiven, Lord. Hear me out for a second. I know I have sinned. Just open the door. Let's talk about this. I know I have damaged this house. I know I have threatened this body. I know, Lord, the darkness swelled within my spirit, and I know it kicked you out. But Lord, I am ready to repent. Come on, give me some more time. We can do this right now. At the gate. I promise my heart is ready to receive you.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

I find it crazy how we blindly believe our way is the highway, the righteous path, and the way to follow. And maybe that's what we do not understand. We did not creators, nor those to whom we try to persuade. Sometimes the fiery face is due to our own shortcomings in life and our ignorance of the righteousness of Christ. Sometimes we give the devil way too much credit as a way to skip accountability for our mistakes. And maybe the fiery face is truly understanding that we desire control in a world that already has a master. So, what is the fire that you have faced? Be honest. Not to me, but to God, your father. To our father. Because time is running out, and the fire you face might just become your eternal reality.

SPEAKER_04 4:48

Welcome to the Broken Minds Podcast, a space for the brokenhearted to realize that they are actually broken and walking this journey out with Jesus Christ. If you wish to support this podcast, please share this episode with your friends and your family. And download the podcast on your favorite podcasting platforms. Also, support us monetarily using the links down below. Lastly, get plugged into our local community here in the DMV, Broken Creatives, a place where we network, connect, and collaborate with our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus. Use the links down below to join the community today. My name is Mercy, and this is the Broken Minds Podcast. Enjoy!

SPEAKER_00 5:36

So I get a lot of comments on my business to why my company is called Broken Minds Co. And why not healed Minds Co. And to be blunt honest, here's the truth behind that. It's because brokenness is the most apparent, it's the most apparent thing in the world. I'm so sorry, but I'm actually not sorry. Not everyone is a hundred percent healed and happy like you are. And if I'm to be brutally honest in Burst your bubble here, not even you are a hundred percent healed and happy. So stop putting up a front. With this episode, I am gonna get a little bit vulnerable. And it's this is for a a very specific reason. We're gonna have a very intimate conversation. So really strap up and let's go. So yeah, over the last couple weeks, I'm gonna be extremely honest, it has been tough for me. My emotions has been throwing me for a loop. Also lately, I've been having some pretty intense dreams. The dreams that I used to have in my past when I was dealing with grief and was going through that that moment in my life, which we will talk about later. It seems as though that stuff is coming back, and I've been very, very confused. This is the purpose of Broken Minds Co. This is the purpose of this production company as a whole, is to provide a space for the brokenhearted to actually realize that they are in fact broken and walking this life out with Jesus Christ. That is the main purpose, the vision that God has given me many years ago. And I will say I am a walking testimony of the power of God over my life. God has saved me from so many things. There's been so many instances of life that God has saved me. God has saved me even recently, God has saved me in past tense. I'm really beating around the bush here, but I just want to slide in our first initial trigger warning so we can really dive into this conversation. God has saved me specifically from suicidal ideation and suicidal actions. Yes, it is going to be that type of episode. So if you are not down to hear that type of topic, next episode we're gonna be talking about something so much better, but right now we're gonna have to get through this hard one. We're gonna have to get through this hard topic because it's a topic that's plaguing so many people in this world about there's the I There was a statistic done and I looked this up, and it was like seven hundred and fifty thousand people per year throw away their lives. They they they they they give in to suicide seven hundred thousand seven hundred and fifty thousand That is insane right and my thing about it is I went through that. Praise the Lord, I'm still here and with this episode I want us to be real, raw, transparent, blunt, honest, like this is the conversation that I want to have with people because it's like before you leave this planet earth by your own means, I want I want to feel confident in knowing at least one person sat down with you and had this conversation with you before you did what you were gonna do. And it's so hard to have these conversations with people because we literally put up a front, we literally put up a facade of our lives. We literally like we were talking about this literally um the first episode of our last series when we're talking about the war unbossing say, where there is no war embossing say. Well, no, there is a war embossing say, there is, there actually is trauma, there is hatred, there is a root cause of what you're going through, there is malice, there is unforgiveness, there is all of these things, but it's just not present because we gaslight ourselves and we take all these root problems and we stick them into a jail cell and we put them in the deepest, darkest hole of our brain, and we just seal it off and say there's no war embossing say, there is no war embossing say, there's no war, and we create all of these walls, and we create this chamber where we can live and act as if there's no war within ourselves. No, there is that was the reality of my life from age 15 years old till age 18 years old. I gave my life to Christ when I was 18 years old. Yes, yes, yes. I grew up in church. I I was I was a church kid. I grew up in church, lived in the church, breathed the church, shoot. I probably took a couple of bites of the church. Like I did every type of ministry there was to even do in church spaces. I was that guy, I was the first one there, the last one to leave. I know what that looks like, but if I be honest with you, I never had that true revelation for myself until I was 18 years old. This was a year before I um had my last encounter with suicide, and it's just like, yo, there has to be a change, there has to be a turning around, there has to be a moment of repentance, there has to be something different in my life. I'm not just going to die like this. So, yes, God has saved me from suicide four times in my life. That was God. God has saved me from many times, many nights, that I've balled my eyes out crying, looking, waiting, longing for a day that my nightmares would come true, and for a day to finally that death would finally take me. That, my friends, was my reality. Or in this case, that was the hell that I was facing. I had to live so many years like that. And yes, I understand that this might be a very uncomfortable topic for some to hear. And well, maybe this isn't the podcast episode you need to hear. Maybe I'm just throwing myself under the bus here, and you're an outsider watching, cringing at every second of this podcast. Episode, and honestly, that is completely fine. That is cool with me as long as you are sharing this episode with someone who you believe might be in need of this. I'm totally fine. But the point is, that was the hell that I was facing. That was my prison cell that I talked about in the last series when we talked about the war in Boston Se. That was my reality that I hid from, that I built up walls so that no one could breach those walls so that no one can could know the real true me. And I was ashamed of the real true me. But God has shown me a better way to live, God has set me on a better path. God has sent his son Jesus Christ to die for me. Jesus died on that cross for my sins, for all the times I wanted to take my life, for all the times I swore that it was the end for me. God came in and changed my life. I was mentioning this to a group of brothers today at church, right? And somehow we got on the conversation of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. And I want to share with you guys that the crucifixion of Jesus Christ is and will forever be the most ultimate sacrifice known to man. And I don't say that just because of the level of intense pain our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ had to endure, but for the mental aspect of it. So picture this. You have a group of friends, you have a group of loved ones, that they constantly fall into sin. Either they are constantly rebelling against authority, or they are living a reckless life. And of course, you love them as family, and maybe even they are your family. So you pursue them and you want to show them and you show them a better way of living life. You go even as far as to demonstrate to them ways that you have made other people's lives better, and there's evidence of this, but time and time over again, they reject your offer and they show a blind eye to your advice, and yeah, sure, that hurts. I'm not even gonna lie, that for me on a deeper level, I feel this because I've been there with a few of my friends, and honestly, it just sucks because honestly, I love them so much so that I want to correct their path, and that's totally not to say that my path is any better, any more perfect. It's not perfect, absolutely not. I am a sinner just as much as they are sinners, like I am broken just as much as they are broken. But my thing about it is I love them enough to know that there is a better way of living life. I love them enough to know that they are going down a deep dark path that I have already gone down. I don't want them to face that. I've already seen that, I've I've already I've already gone through all of that, and I just I don't w I don't I don't wish that on my worst enemy. There's a better way. So you try to help them out, but they refuse the offer. They go so far as to plan some evilness against you, they manipulate the masses to pin you to pin the world against you. They put you on this cross to die, and even when you have a way out, you still decide to die on that cross. Why? Not because you were helpless to save yourself in that moment. No, you have a way out. There is a way out of the situation that they have placed you in. They think they they have the upper hand, but you have a way out. You literally could piece out this situation right now. But it's because you love them so much, you are willing to sacrifice your all for them. And guess what? Even after you've sacrificed your all for them, you still love them. You still check up on them, you still comfort them, you're still there for them, you still love them. Even years after they pass and they are now dead and gone, you still love them, you still take care of their children, you still give their children advice, and when their children grow up, you're still around. I don't know about you, but I'm gonna be honest with you. I don't think I could do that. At least I'm not there yet. And to think about this, this is what our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ did. He loved us so much that he did not care that we had rejected him. He did not care that we spat on him. We he did not care that he did not we he did not care. He still loved us. He still loved us so much that he was willing to lay down his life for us and to sacrifice himself for us and to be that sacrifice so that we can be saved, so that we can accept the fact that he has made this ultimate sacrifice and we can live eternally with him. So yeah. Recently my mind hasn't been healed. That is the truth of the matter, is my mind and my heart has been very much broken, and I'm not ashamed to confess that. Even at church, I just feel very much out of place. And I came mad early today because I needed to escape from the hellish reality that I was in, from my twisted thoughts. So yeah, that's that's actually why I met up with those brothers in Christ today, because honestly, I didn't even know that they was there. I just came to church early because I I just needed a place to go. And I saw them, they was talking, and I was like, hey, can I can I join? I was like, Yeah, you can join. Yeah, we just we just talking about talking about the word of God. We just in the scriptures, and I'm like, okay, cool, that's dope. But today I want us to have a very, very intimate conversation. And when I say an intimate conversation, I'm not just talking about okay, what is like the deep moment in your life that you've been through, and how did God like bring no, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about even deeper than that. I'm talking about that, but we're actually honest. Here's the thing when I did this podcast before, and I've honestly I've rebranded this podcast so many times, it is it honestly, yeah. But anyway, when I did this podcast. Podcast before, and I was doing a lot of interviews, and I was interviewing a lot of people. There was one question that I would always pose to people, and that was a question of what was the darkest moment in your life, and how did you get through that? A lot of people who are answering this question, they pause. Most people, they like moment of transparency here, they couldn't answer the question, and they literally told me, Can we move on? And I respected their wish, and we moved on. Look, that's totally fine. A lot of people are not that vulnerable to handle these type of questions. That's cool, but there'd be some people they would just go ham. Like they would go in on this question, and sometimes I would walk away from that interview, and it's just like, man, I would have never known about this if I'd never would have asked that question. If we never would have had this honest conversation, I would have never known you had this prison story. Yes, I've had friends, like friends I've served in church with for many, many, many years. And they hop on my podcast years back and I ask them this question what was the what was the darkest moment of your life? Right? And they literally tell me a a story of how they went into prison for five years, and I'm like, whoa. Bro, like I didn't even know that about you. I didn't. But here's the thing that I really want to accentuate before we get a little deeper into this conversation. Honestly, I'm gonna lay the foundation first before we go any deeper. You confessing your faults, your sins, not only is it freeing for you, but it's also freeing for other people. And we mentioned this in a Bible study. I don't know if I already brought up this in last episode. I don't know, but we were mentioning this in a Bible study a couple weeks ago, and Matthew, um, not Matthew, James 5, James 5, verse 16. It's that it talks about us confessing our sins to one another, right? And that right there, yo, that is so powerful. Honestly, if I didn't confess the fact that I struggled with suicide to my friends, and honestly, the way that I did that was via this podcast. It was via this podcast. On paper, it might say that this is episode four. This is not episode four, this is probably episode 304, to be honest. It's just over the years, I've started this April 25th, 2025. No, not 2025, 2022, rather. April 25th, 2022. That's when I started this podcast, right? And that was the moment of my life where I was becoming more vulnerable, I was becoming more open to talk about the things in my life, to talk about my struggles, to talk about all the all that I was going through. The hell that I was facing. So when I started talking about my testimony of going through suicidal thoughts and actions and all this stuff, and God saving me, and you know, me coming to church and me giving my life to Christ and everything like that. It's like not only was that freeing for me to encourage me to keep telling my story and to like be more confident in telling my story, but it was also freeing for other people. Like, literally, other people would like somehow find my podcast, and they would come up to me and they would say, Hey, I listened to your episode, I listened to your podcast episode, I really relate with that. Like that that message really touched me. Like, I also struggle with depression, and it would be like, Whoa, I've I in that moment feel so small. I feel so small. Because now I'm like dealing with like another person. It's like, yo, I thought this, I thought this was isolated just to me. More people deal with this than I thought. It's not just an isolated event that I was going through when I was 15 years old through 18. That is when I went through my depression. Actually, matter of fact, that's when I wrote all of my poetry. I I am a poet at heart. I love writing poetry. I have not written one poem, one deep, meaningful, gut-wrenching poem since I gave my life to Christ, and all of that demonic energy, all those thoughts, suicidal ideation, all that stuff flee flee from me, flew from me, whatever the term is, all that stuff just left, vanished. Why? Because when I gave my life to Christ, I submitted myself to God for myself, and then two, because I involved myself in community and I spoke and I confessed, and this is the hell I face, this is the human being I am, naked, unafraid. This is who I am. So today, since we have laid the foundation and you kind of know what the topic of conversation is going to be, today I want to I want to bring you on this journey of getting to the inner depths of the hell that we face. And we're gonna do this by asking ourselves this one simple question: What is the hell that I am currently facing? Be honest here. There is no one around you, just me and you. And my thing about it is if you have decided to listen to this episode among a bunch of friends, hi friends. Um, let's also like think as a group together, maybe, you know, you know, James, maybe if you get off your phone, stop scrolling on TikTok real quick, like maybe we can have a real conversation all together. Good. So what is the current hell that you are facing? We all are facing something. We're all going through pain. We're all going through struggles. We're all going through trials. I spent four years of my life under the grips of suicidal ideations, cutting myself, being plagued with dreams and visions and thoughts. And my thing about it is, it's like my whole goal with Broken Minds Co. is to create this space where broken people can actually realize that they are broken. Because, matter of fact, I could call this healed minds, I could call this healed minds podcast. I can go online right now, change my podcast name to healed minds. But here's the thing: if you realize that you need healing, then that means there's an origin of broken. So, why am I cutting to the chase to healing when I can focus on the root cause of broken? Let's ask ourselves what is the hell that I'm facing? What is the current reality that is broken in my life? Because a lot of people have a difficulty finding that. A lot of people have a difficulty identifying the reason why they are broken in the first place. So, yeah, the healing comes later. The healing comes later. First of all, you cannot heal from something that you have not identified needs healing. So, yeah, I get it. It's cute. It's cute that I can call my podcast Healed Minds, it's cute that I can call my production company Healed Minds Co. But that does not address the immediate problem that we are broken in need of a savior, and that savior is Jesus Christ. So this is why this series is going to be called I Am Broken. Why? Because you are. This is why you need to have that one-on-one conversation. I cannot have an intimate conversation to this degree with you in a group setting. I cannot. To some degree, I can't even have this conversation with you one-to-one. Because in that moment, unless that we are truly, truly, truly vulnerable with each other and we are truly comfortable with each other, which I know some of my friends are. But even if we're in person, we might be holding back for some reason. So what is the hell that you face? What are you going through in life right now that is taking you to your wits' end? Whether it's physical, whether it's spiritual, whether it's mental. And literally, you can hit me up. In the description down below of this podcast episode, and of every single podcast episode in the future, there is my contact information. You can click my name, Joey the Creative. It will take you to my online business card. The first link that's up there, the first thing that's up there is my phone number. You can text me and be like, hey, Joey, this is so-and-so. I listen to your podcast, and it's like, yo, I've been dealing with stress, depression, whatever. There is a link in the description to my church. If you are in the local area and you need a vulnerable, a real, a raw community that's faith-based, that is an organized body that's going to pray with you, that's going to uplift you, that's going to involve you in community activities that are going to revitalize your spirit. You can click that link down below. Pull up to the church. We'd love to have you. But I want to have this conversation with you. So that you know that I care. Not a lot of people are open to having this conversation. And honestly, I'm be I'm be blunt honest with you. I've actually been stalling for the last couple minutes. Um, because there's something I want to talk about that's more deeper. So, you know, first step of this episode, we laid the foundation, like we were kind of like, you know, kind of, you know, kind of kind of lax with it, you know. And then we we were kind of a little deeper, you know, started to get a little deeper. But now we're we're going in the deep end, and I want you to be prepared and ready. This is where I'm going to insert our first trigger warning. Trigger warning. The next couple of minutes will be very emotional and very triggering, and I will be talking about very specifics of what I was going through, and even recent things that have arised in my life. But I just want you to get a glimpse of what my brain looks like and the attacks of the enemy that I often get hit with. So, yes, I have said it before, but for four times in my life I attempted to kill myself. I have attempted my life seriously on four different occasions in the span of four years between the ages of fifteen years old and eighteen years old. So once per year. And honestly, I would take up a very dark and grim personality. So for me to explain this in in-depth, graphic as I can get. As graphic as I can get, I do actually remember taking not even like a razor, it wasn't even a razor. I don't know if you guys know what this thing is, but it is a literal drywall cutter. Yeah. When I would there would I would have manic outbreaks, right? And this would be a time where no one was home, everyone was at work or school or whatever they were. And this is kind of like in the middle of that whole time in my life. I was probably like 16 years old. And I'll just have a manic outburst, and it would begin in my room upstairs. I would like punch uh I would punch my my bunk bed. Because I I I have two other brothers, so I bunked in a in a room with them. So I'd punch my bunk bed, it's it's a it was a wooden frame, so I'd punch it really hard, and I would yell, and I would scream, and I would fuss, and I would all that stuff, and I would run throughout the house, da da da da blah blah blah blah blahzy blah. Throw in the tantrum, whatever. All that different type of stuff, and I would run downstairs. I would run downstairs and I would go to the toolbox and I would literally pull out a drywall cutter. I would pull out a drywall cutter, and I don't know if you guys know what a drywall cutter is, but it is a giant charaded. I'm talking about like when we're talking about charrated, I'm not talking about your average kitchen knife, I'm talking about these things like literally have spikes, like serrated. Like this thing is, you know, this is a construction tool. I would take that and I would literally glide it against my skin. Like it, like it was so serrated that it would catch on my skin and then it would bounce off my skin, and then boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Like it, yeah. And I would do that just to feel the sensation of it. Obviously, I'm not going full power with it because I would literally saw my arm off, like actually, but just enough to feel the sensation. And that's really what it was for me. It was really a sensational thing. It was to get me just there that it's like I'm in danger enough of potentially doing something, but not too endangered that I don't have to worry about anything. But yeah. That was the hell I faced. Maybe you're still listening to this episode. You're a absolute trooper. Let's go let's go even further. Well, how can you Joey, you just told us like your most how can how does this even get any further? Oh, it it goes even deeper than this. So I set the foundation, we went a little deeper, and we went a little deeper with me telling that story, but very, very recently I had two dreams, and these dreams are very disturbing, more disturbing than what I just told you. And I I want to tell these dreams for a very specific purpose because there is somebody listening to this episode who is going through what I was going through, and I'm trying to like if you guys like pick up what I'm trying to do, I'm trying to like I'm trying to sort out the wheat from the tears. I'm trying to sort out the people who don't need to hear this message from the people who really do need to hear this message, and it's like you guys know what I'm talking about. You guys are going through this. I just want you to realize it. That's all. I'm not trying to convince you to come to Christ. I would love for that to happen. I really would. I'm not trying to convince you to be healed right now. That's not how this works in the first place. I'm not trying to convince you of anything. I just want you to realize that this has been your current hell for a very long time. That's all I want you to realize. So I've been I I've I've had these very disturbing dreams, and I want to tell them to you. I tried to explain this on my Instagram story via just a story post, but yeah, that was a bit too much for just a social post. So I decided let me just do it on the podcast, and that's what I did. So again, inserting my second trigger warning. This is very emotional, and this is very traumatizing. But this is my dream. So in the first dream, really, this the first nightmare, I was with a group of friends at my old synagogue. Sidebar. For those of you who do not know, yes, I did grow up in a synagogue. I did grow up learning the messianic Judaism Messianic faith. Wow, really stumbled on that. Anyway, basically, it's where Jews believe that there is a messiah. Right? If you don't know, just a just a little overview. Jewish people believe that they are still looking for the Messiah. They believe that Messiah has not come yet, you know, that he is still on the way. Uh, he has come. Like we talked about before, yeah. But that's besides the point, that's a topic for a whole nother day. But messianic Jews, they are Jewish people who believe that the Messiah has come. Come who believe that Messiah has not only come, but he is he was the risen Messiah, that he was crucified, he died, and he rose again. So that's backstory on me. So I grew up in a synagogue, right? And that was the environment of this dream. So I was with a group of my friends at my synagogue, and everything was completely fine. We're just walking around the building. We're messing around, we're playing, we're having fun. We're doing what any other teenagers would do. I didn't think of much of it. There was not much of it to think about until our fun got a little risky. You know, and look, we're not in one area. Like, usually when friends hang around, they hang around in one area, whatever. No, the dream is literally like we're one second we're in the basement, the next second we're upstairs, the next second we're outside, we're just we're dotting around. Like just we're just dotting around. Right? And it's like our fun just just a little our hangout just gets a little risky. And our fun somewhat becomes a danger to us. And then boom, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, out of absolutely left field, everyone just starts committing suicide. It was the most bizarre thing I've ever witnessed in my life. And thank god I've never witnessed this in my life. This is a dream. This isn't my imagination. But the only way that I can explain it is, I don't know if you guys ever have watched the the Netflix TV show Squid Game. Right? And if you've watched that game, essentially, for those who didn't watch it, an overview of it is that there is this game, this collection of games, let's say, this competition, and there is about 200 and some contestants, I forget the total number, 200 and some contestants in this game, and each contestant accounts for a lot of money added to the balance. So basically, yes, every single contestant is worth money. And if each contestant kills or offs another contestant, then boom, the the the the counter goes up, right? So there's a particular moment where the the front man, that's what he's called, the front man, the man who is the ringleader of this whole thing, there's a particular moment where, well, there's too many contestants, and we really gotta like, we really gotta we gotta knock some contestants off the board. We really do. Because the the the games that are coming up, they they require this amount of people. Okay, cool. So in the game, the front man goes to the guards to encourage a an all-out night of terror. Where instead of instead of sleeping off the night, waking up the next morning, prepared and ready for the game, that they would enlist a kind of war between the contestants. You know, because at the end of the day, last man standing in the game takes the prize money, and it's something crazy like a hundred, five hundred million. I don't know what it was, but it was something crazy, it was like in the millions. It yeah. So you can imagine how many people would you know step on a few people's lives to be the the one to get that money, the prize money. So yeah, it was really my dream was really connected to the Knight of Terror. The Knight of Terror in um Squid Game, where the contestants were just blatantly just offing other people. Well, in my dream, they were offing themselves. You know, but one of my friends in the group ran into the road and got hit by a car. Another one jumped off a high staircase that was outside, mind you. The scared staircase was outside, and he landed on concrete. Like everyone just found a way to off themselves, but me. I was still alive and I still had a will to live. I mean, this dream is from my point of view, so I guess as they say is true, the cameraman never dies. But nah, that was very disturbing. So, yeah, that dream was over. I woke up, went about my day, everything was great. Well, guess what? A couple days later, I had another very, very disturbing dream. And this one I this one is a runoff, right? So this one continues from another dream that I had. Also, that dream was very, very wild. I'd be having some wild dreams. But the last dream ended in a car crash, and this is where this dream picks up. So this dream depicts a young woman who's chasing after her abuser. So she gets out of this car that's crashed, she gets out of this car crash, and she sees that there's a park in front of her. There's a park in front of her, and there's a playground, and there's families playing, and children playing, and all this different type of stuff, and she's she she walks towards this playground because she's trying to find her abuser. So she finally finds her abuser, and he's leaning up against a swing set. So this man, this is the best I can describe him. Um, he is a white male, he is chubby, he's a little taller than me. I'm 5'3, he's a little taller than me, so I would say about five six, five, seven, something like that. Um, yeah, and his ident his identity is sealed. I couldn't see his identity, or I didn't notice his identity because there was a black cloth wrapped around his head. So you could just see the top, the the bottom of him, and you couldn't see the his identity, who he was. Right? So the woman sees him and she darts after after him. She sees he sees the woman darting, he's like, yo, whoa. I'm I'm yeah, I'm gone, I'm out. So they're running through this playground, right? And for the first couple seconds, they're running through the playground, but then the scenery changes to an office building. So now they're running through an office building. So if you can imagine they're running through this office building, they're running through this office building, running through this office building, and then finally the man gets caught. The man gets caught, there's nowhere for him to go, and the woman pulls out a gun. She pulls out this gun, she catches up to the man finally. She pulls the trigger, she shoots him in the chest. Here's the weird thing about this dream. The very weird thing about this dream, the gun fires, the bullet leaves the chamber with all power and velocity and all that stuff, and instantly it stops at his chest. It doesn't ext it doesn't it doesn't penetrate his body. It stops there, it holds there. Right? And it's as if time is stopped, paused. And what happened was the woman grabs him by the chest with the bullet still like tethered to him. Like the bullet is still like it's like he's just paused in midair, like he's just paused, like time stop. So he the woman grabs him by the chest and yanks him against the wall. The second he goes against that wall, the bullet explodes with like 12 times the power as as if there was a C4 that was exploded. That's where my dream ended. And basically, no, that's not how my dream ended. My dream ended with with me. See, I'm coming from from it's weird, so the dream is from my point of view, obviously, because I'm having I'm the one having the dream, right? Obviously, but it's as if I'm the woman in this scenario. So I'm over here looking at this man on the ground, blown to bits, and all I'm thinking is my child, like he is the abuser of my child, and that's why this needed to happen. Yeah, so those dreams are really intense. Do I know what they mean? Heck no. Do I want to know what they mean? Hey, I'd rather not. Are there an attack from the enemy? Probably so. But I say all of this to say this. Right now I am broken. I had those dreams for a reason. There is a reason why I had those dreams. Will I for will I ever know the reason? Maybe not. Should I have told you those dreams? Probably not. Will you look at me differently now? Probably, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. But my thing about it is, all I know is that there's one thing consistent. I am broken, and I am not ashamed to say that. And actually, here's the thing: you might hear those dreams, hear what all I just told you, and think, yo, Joey, you're dealing, like this is what I hate about churches. What I hate about churches is that, yes, I use the H-word. Yes, I hate about churches. What I hate about churches, I could never have told anybody what I've told you, and it be a safe space after that. I've I have been in many situations where I have exposed different areas about myself in a very emotional manner to church leaders, and it's always been a drag you by the ear to the corner, da da da da da da da da da wee wee wee-wee-wee, blah blah blah blah. You need deliverance. Basically, that would be the end of the conversation. You just need deliverance. And my thing about it is, it's like, no, I need somebody to help me through that. Like, yeah, you are 100% correct. I would agree with you. Like, this is a demotic spirit, like this is something warring against my flesh. Like, this is obviously these dreams are not good. But right now, I just need somebody. I just need somebody. And that's something that I really I really pray that churches now they would understand that the church is a place for broken people to realize that they are broken. In essence, if you think about it this way, this is how I know that Broken Minds Co. is God aligned. This is God vision. Why? Because it aligns with the Great Commission. How does it align with the Great Commission? Those are two different topics, Joey. Well, what does the Great Commission commission us to do? To make disciples of all nations, baptize them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. That is the Great Commission to make disciples of all nations. Discipleship means that you need to find somebody who is lost and tell them about Jesus Christ, about the gospel, but what Jesus Christ came here to do, and all the reasons that I explained earlier in this episode that he came to do it for. That he came, he died on that cross for you and I. To tell that person the good news. So you're just gonna tell them the good news and that's it? No, you need to disciple them, to walk through the scriptures with them, to talk with them, to be vulnerable with them, for them to be vulnerable with you. Because as you do that with them, they will slowly realize that they are broken in need of a savior, in need of the gospel, in need of the of the Lord and Savior that you call Lord and Savior, and get this that they are a broken person realizing that they are broken and walking this journey with Jesus Christ. Oh, isn't that the the vision of broken minds co? Huh. For us to realize that we are broken and needing of the gospel and needing of a savior Jesus Christ, and needing of someone to die for us so that we do not have to live eternity in hell, separated from God. Here's what I say. You might still look at me and say, yo, those dreams that you told us a couple minutes ago, very, very deep. I still want to question your mental health and your spiritual vitality. And honestly, I wouldn't even blame you. But then again, I would want to venture and say this I used to have those dreams every day. Not even dreams, nightmares, every single day. When I was 15, 16, 17, those would be a weekly occurrence. It would just be something I'll just think about. Having suicidal ideations, I constantly think thought about death. That's what I constantly thought about. That's that that was my hell. That was a real I'm not I'm not faking this, I'm not making this up. There's no reason for me to make this up because this kind of exposes me. Every single day, I would think about death. Every single night I would have a dream about someone killing themselves, or me killing somebody, or me fighting with somebody that ended in their death every single night. And in the nights that I did not have those dreams and those nightmares, my body, my mental, my spiritual, they would be predisposed to me dealing with episodes of sleep paralysis. And honestly, if you have never experienced that, I pray the Lord you never will. Because those experiences are tough, those are not easy. So yeah, through my life, I had to fight those things by myself. I had to get through that by myself. And honestly, through this series, I am broken. I want us to realize that we are first of all, I want us to identify that we're broken. I want us then to realize that we are broken. Because those are two different things. Identifying that you are broken and realizing that you are broken are two different things. Why? One, you have to identify the root cause, and then two, you have to realize that the root cause is still affecting you, and then we can scoot over to three healing from those things. But through this series, I want us to be real, raw, and vulnerable about what we are going through. Because what we are going through is gonna make or break us. So yeah, ask yourself this question. What is the hell that you are facing? Have you healed from it? Have you identified it? Do you even realize that you are in hell right now? I'm not even talking about the spiritual hell. I'm not even talking about that hell. I'm talking about the current reality that has you separated from God. That's that's really all hell is a separation from God. Where where are you right now? To make a call back to the creative piece given today, I really want to let you know the fire you face, if you don't, if you don't understand it, if you don't know how to deal with it, you don't know how to control it, you don't even know how to maneuver it, the fire you face will become your internal reality. Thank you so much for listening to the Broken Minds podcast today. This was a really, really deep episode, and I am so thankful for I don't even know how many of you are listening. It was a tough one to get through, but this is this is what Broken Minds Co. is we want to provide this space for broken people to realize that they are broken in need of a savior, walking this life out with Jesus Christ. And if you want to support the mission, the vision of this podcast, and ultimately of this production company, where we are launching platforms to do just that, you can drop into the links down below and support us via potentially to keep this thing running, support us sharing the podcast, support us giving us a review of the podcast, just support us in any way, shape, or form that you seem fit to do so. You can do so using the links down below. And if you want to be featured on this podcast, if you want to be a part of a creative, a creative piece, at the beginning of these episodes, you can hit me up. My phone number is within those links. You gotta do a little bit of digging to get my phone number, but you can find my phone number, hit me up. Hey, this is so and so, I would love to be a part of the podcast. We can get something rolling on and going. But I truly love and appreciate every single one of y'all for listening this week. And trust me, it's gonna get a lot better, but for right now, we gotta realize that we are. In the fire, so going through this series, I am broken, we're going to touch on how we are broken and what ways can we get out of being broken, and why is it so important for us to be in this scenario? Love y'all, see you on the next one. Love y'all, peace.