Episode 7 | I AM BROKEN (Pt. 4) I hate myself

Do you hate yourself? Yes, I know that’s a pretty heavy question but just take a moment to think about, and let’s explore this one together. 
 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Today's Letter of Consciousness is a poem I wrote many years ago called Lovely Forgotten. This poem I revamped and I've added two. I hope you enjoy. Let's begin. I'll come to you bold. I'll easily fold. Not so compatible socially and mentally hearing episodes. She cries loudly inside of me. I heard her voice box dying, dying. Eventually it died, though I still hear her fragile eyes staring deeply within me. I saw her taste ripping out a dead corpse. I smelt the sweet aroma of thoughts escaping my body. You could never kill the dead. She proceeded to tell me as life jolted back. I tried. I tried because I killed her. I tried because it's all my fault. She is truly a fault. I keep close. I've lost my way of life. I still have tears at night. I miss this so badly. I'm so sorry for the hurting discomfort. I'm so sorry for all the years I've missed the lessons I should have learned. Should I kill myself? I've hurt myself. Should I dig up my rave? Should I jump off a bridge like an idiot rave? Should I die alone? I have no clue. Such a rap, my heart is an empty house this rent's due. I'm sorry I killed you. I'm sorry you died that way. So find a new host because this house is occupied by a new spirit. It's God, baby. Don't you hear it? Let there be light. That's the reason you died. The reason psychologically I committed suicide. Now you no longer have control over my life.

SPEAKER_00 1:47

Welcome to the Broken Minds Podcast, a space for the brokenhearted to realize that they are actually broken and walking this journey out with Jesus Christ. If you wish to support this podcast, please share this episode with your friends and your family. And download the podcast on your favorite podcasting platforms. Also, support us monetarily using the links down below. Lastly, get plugged into our local community here in the DMV, Broken Creatives, a place where we network, connect, and collaborate with our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus. Use the links down below to join the community today. My name is Mercy, and this is the Broken Minds Podcast. Enjoy.

SPEAKER_01 2:39

A reality that so many of us face, but also one that we are far too ashamed to say out loud or to inwardly admit. But let's address it together and see where this goes. One unfortunate aspect of society that I have noticed is that as a collective, we tend to lean towards positive perspectives of life, to see life constantly as a perfect utopian environment that has no evil within it. And if there was any evil in it, then we should remove ourselves far from it. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Actually, biblically speaking, this is exactly what God intended man to live out in the first place via the Garden of Eden. Although this view is not consistent with the harsh reality of the end of that story. Because once Adam and Eve ate of that fruit, that was the moment sin entered the world. That was the point of time where all corruption and evilness came in and flooded the earth, or at least the mere knowledge that there is a way to conceptualize life outside of God's moral law, outside of God's instructions for them to specifically not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Now, before I go any further, you might be a tad confused. In fact, me saying that it is an unfortunate aspect of society to think positively might be confusing you. And no, I'm not a doom and gloom type of person. And yes, I actually do value happiness and a warm spring day, although to ignore the rain and thunderstorms is not me. See, me at heart, I am a realist. I see the world for what it truly is, and I do not pretend to be nor act a certain way if I'm not that way. Look, to understand me, you have to understand if a stove is hot, the stove is hot. It's not that the stove might be hot or the stove was hot, or to ask trivial philosophical question as in what is a stove and how did it get hot? No, with me, I say if the stove is hot, the stove is hot and you will burn yourself. And this applies in life most commonly with relationships. Look, I don't care how fine that man is, I don't care how much money he got. Look, sis, if he is leading you in a dark place, I'ma say it straight to your face. And I don't care. To me, I value our friendship far greater than the current state of how you feel in that moment. Because true, how you feel in that moment is positive, but at the end of the day, that man is leading you in a hellhole of pain and grief, and you will eventually find out days, weeks, months, even years later. Could you imagine if you had a best friend, a best guy friend, right? And you also have your boyfriend, you're in a relationship, right? And this also works vice versa for the men out there. But you have your best guy friend, you have your boyfriend, right? And the real the rawness of it, the truth of the matter is you are in a toxic relationship, although you don't see yourself in a toxic relationship. Actually, every pointer towards you being in a toxic relationship, all the red flags, you turn them yellow and then you turn them green. Okay, whatever. So, two things. Would you rather your best guy friend to rip the bandage off and say, hey, you're in a toxic relationship? And and literally have him sit you down and point out boom, boom, boom, boom, all the reasons why you're in a toxic relationship, or would you rather your best guy friend to say, Oh my gosh, I love you guys, you guys are perfect together, and completely ignore the fact that you are in a toxic relationship. Which would you rather have? I don't know about you, but if I had a best female friend, and if I was in a relationship with another woman, I would much rather have my best female friend tell me, hey Joey, you're tripping. That girl is not for you. That's wild. You need to stop, you need to repent. Repent now. But I don't know, I don't know why we we find ourselves in these positions where it's like we we really only see the positives. It's like that's why it's unfortunate for me. That society as a collective, we tend to lean towards the positive aspects of life to constantly see this this boulder, this giant rock called Earth that's floating in space. We constantly see it as a utopian environment that has no evil within it at all. But I honestly think the key to being a realist is that you see the positives of life, you see the butterflies, you you you can count the flowers, you can smell the flowers, you can see the sunrise, you can see all this beautiful stuff of the earth, but you also can see all the negatives, you can see all the volcanoes, you can see all the thunderstorms, you can see the lightning, you can see the earthquakes, you can see all these natural disasters, the flooding, you can see the tears, you can see the agony, you can see the screams, you can see the the cries, you can see death. And this is why I love being a realist. This is why beauty and chaos is so real to me. Because beauty is not the only element of life. Actually, I would say that beauty, in order to find true beauty, true peace in life, I were to say that it's finding it via the chaos of life. And let me explain. So, what about this phrase, I hate myself? That's still a strong phrase, and you're probably concerned if I truly do hate myself. The truth is I don't. Why? Because I've fought with myself so much to the point where I have killed off the old man I used to hate, the alternative personality that kept me in chains to my own mind, the one who kept me quiet and shy. Yes, I hated that person. Actually, via my own testimony, I wanted to psychologically and physically kill both of us. Because I had a deep identity crisis and I did not know who I was as a teenager. So if I did not know who I was, that means I have no purpose, which means my essence of life within itself is meaningless. And do you now see how fast people can connect the dots straight to suicide? Like that was mad quick how I came to that conclusion of suicide. And it was all because I addressed one negative part of my life. I don't have an identity. Okay, let's walk through this together. Ask yourself this question. Do I hate myself? Now, okay, hate is still a very strong word. It's kind of sticking out like a sore thumb. I know. And it's kind of overpowering the question. Okay, oftentimes the opposite of hate is love. So now ask yourself this new question. What do I not love about myself? With this podcast, you will very often hear me bring up the concept of alter egos andor personalities. And it is because I dealt with an alternative personality growing up. When I was younger, I went through a severe trauma that I could not bear alone. But guess what? I was alone, so the only way I could cope with it was I created a new reality that I could jump into when life got tough. Well, the truth of the matter is, life was always tough. So I kind of stayed there and avoided everything around me, all the aches and pains, the traumas, the real mess of my life, of what it was swelling up to be, the shifts and changes, the people dying, the people leaving. Now, in my mind, that was a positive thing for me to do because it gave me comfort, it gave me support, and from that, it gave me a boldness to present myself to people that I never had the boldness to do before. It gave me a new life, an empty canvas to paint whatever I wished, and ultimately it gave me a way to suppress all of the real and raw emotions that I was battling with. It gave me a mask to put on, to say, hey, you're dealing with so much, and since you're dealing with so much, you are not you're not able to show up. So here's this here's this alternative reality to life. Have fun with this one. But here's the thing, here's the secret sauce. The alternative reality that I jumped into with the alternative personality that I used to jump into this utopian world did not negate the fact that in real time, real life, I was still dealing with that hurt, that pain, and that gaping hole within my heart. There was still grief I was dealing with. And in the previous episode or episodes before, I I do talk about that grief in great detail. So you should definitely go listen to the previous episodes to get that context. But in the real world, as I was acting out this facade reality, I'm still dealing with this grief. And for some odd reason, I never truly made that oasis, that utopian reality permanent, because then I would have to forever bond with that imaginary utopian reality, which you guessed it, would mean me ending my life. Again, the conclusion leading to suicide. So this is how we get to the title of this episode. I hated myself. I I hated myself. I hated the fact that I signed up for a free version of this oasis, and the paid version came with all the benefits, but I would have to kill myself in order to achieve them. Why? Because those quite simply do not exist. Matter of fact, this oasis that I've prepared for myself, this utopian reality, all of this that I've lived, to forget about my pains, to forget about my scars, to forget about the trauma, the grief, all of that, all of that that I have used to suppress those emotions and those feelings, it's all just a facade, it's all just a cover-up to what I was truly dealing with. I created a realm. And I created a character, and I've created this fictional world for me to jump into as a child, as a teenager, for me to run away from my grief, run away from the guilt, run away from the pain of that little insecure child losing his mother and not knowing how to deal with that grief. I created a new reality for me to step into. But the secret is life doesn't pause because I have an imagination. Life does not pause just because you want to see stuff positively. That's why I said at the beginning of this episode, it is unfortunate that society views this life all positive. I'm not saying you can't view the life as positive. I'm not saying we should all be doom and gloom, and we should all, you know, anticipate our demise. And I'm not saying that we should all look out for thunderstorms and all this. I'm not saying that. But we should have a realistic point of view when we're entering our any situation of life. Because just as there's positives, there's also negatives, and it's finding the balance between those two that grounds us. So I hated me. I hated the fact that I could not fully transition into this complete fantasy world. I hated the fact that I was scared. I hated the fact that I was insecure. I hated the fact that I was not strong enough. I hated the fact that I did not do enough to protect my mother against death. I hated the fact that I could not resurrect her from the dead. I hated the fact that I was sad. I hated the fact that I was weak. I hated myself for not being strong in that moment. Okay. Hate is a really strong word. I did not love the fact that I was weak. I did not love the fact that I was insecure. I did not love the fact that I was sad. I did not love the fact that I did not process grief within one week and just moved on with my life. Why am I still crying years later? Why? Because I did not address what I was going through. All I did was create a backdoor, a utopian reality that I could slip into that, yes, suppressed my feelings for the moment, but an out all actuality did not solve my issues of grief. Mentally, I did that. Physically, people might do that in terms of weed, sex, drinking, drugs. It suppresses the feelings for just a moment, but that's that's all it does. It's just a backdoor. It's not truly solving anything. So I want to ask you this question again. What do you not love about yourself? And is that thing a response from a particular trauma in your life? What is creating conflict within you that you know it's there, but you just you just don't know how to get rid of it, and you don't know how to heal from it. Well, firstly, you have to identify the root cause and address it. And we have talked about this in length on previous episodes, again. So definitely go check that out. But honestly, this this might be the most difficult part of all of this. Identifying the root cause and I'm not gonna say address it. We're gonna we're gonna talk about that later. Identifying the root cause, period. That's the easy part. That's the real easy part. It's the addressing and the realizing that's the difficult part. Here's the thing: you have to conduct a war within yourself. Yes, there is a war happening within you, and typically that battleground consists of you, like your real nature, who God has made you to be, the original you, and your alternative personality, the one that you have created to cover up whatever trauma that you are not ready to face. The one who smokes at 3 o'clock in the morning, the one who drinks, the one who has sex all over the place, the one who is too prideful to admit that they are prideful. Yes, that person. So after you have identified the root cause, and now it's time for you to go to war with yourself. And how do we go to war with ourselves biblically? Well, Romans 12, 1 and 2. It gives us a clear directive. That we should be a living sacrifice, wholly and acceptable. That we should not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of our mind. How do you go to war with yourself biblically? You have to renew your mind. That's the only way. Well, how do I do that? Search the scriptures, get in the word of God. Okay, well, outside of the word of God, like I know Bible is like always the answer. Well, maybe I'm I'm maybe I am an unbeliever, or maybe I know an unbeliever. Well, what do I say to them? If I if I just tell them Bible, then okay, that's the truth, that's just the truth, but they might not immediately grasp to that. Well, now I would say to them or you that you have to realize that the root cause is still affecting you in a very real way. You have to realize it's still a thorn in your side, and it's shifting your outlook on life, and it's it's molding your mentality in a way where you're not actually perceiving. Here's the thing identifying trauma is the easiest thing possible. Why? Because it is your life story, it is literally happened to you. So you can put your trauma in words and tell it to somebody. Tell it to like tell it to like I can say, hey, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts, audiations, all that stuff. I have attempted my life, I have I've cut myself, I've done all that stuff. I can tell you on this podcast all that stuff. But my thing about it is me realizing it and me addressing it is a daily thing for me to do. It is a daily task for me to go to war with myself and to identify myself as a disciple of Christ and to lean towards God. Okay, maybe that person is not Christian, or maybe you don't believe what I believe. Well, it's your job to realize the root cause. Whether it's grief, the death of a loved one, whether it's portrayal, somebody did you wrong, they stole something from you. Lies, abuse, misbehavior as a child, whatever someone has done to you, or whatever you have done to somebody that you feel guilty of, or you feel afflicted by, here's what you do. You have to go to war with yourself, and you have to realize that that root is still affecting you in a very real way. Picture this. Let's say someone hates themselves due to the fact that they hate the way that their father abused them, and now they have to struggle with the physical or mental repercussions of that person's actions. Let's put in context that this person is much older, let's say their 30s, right? And this abuse happened when they were a child, right? And now it's come to the point where their father is, you know, kind of getting up there in age. And they're kind of, you know, pressed with this reality. Well, should I forgive my father for what he did? Should I forgive my father for all the years that one, he abused me and my family, and then two, after he abused me and my family, now he's nowhere to be found. He he never went to my birthday parties, he never went to my base baseball games, he never went to he never saw me graduate. I'm I'm married now, he doesn't even know his children. His children's children, he doesn't even know his grandchildren. What should I do with that? Two things. Not only does that person not love themselves for being different in the world and now imperfect in the world via this trauma that has happened to them, but also, secondly, they also hate their father figure who was their abuser. So they hate themselves for not having the perfect life that they think they should have had if this trauma did not happen to them. And they feel as though that their life is stripped away from them. And respectfully so, yes, it has been stripped away from them. But also, two, they hate their father figure for their abusive nature when they were a child. Now, I'm gonna come from both female and male perspectives. Now, I'm gonna be very, very, very clear. I am a male, I am a brother. In some other context, I would say something else, but that's not that type of podcast. I am a dude. So I can only sparsely speak on the female's perspective. And if anyone who is a female and you do relate to what I'm saying, and if this does connect in any way, let me know. All my links are in the description of this episode below. Text me, DM me on Instagram, hey, tell me if this message resonated with you at all. Okay, so which coming from the female's perspective may cause them to not trust men, and from a male's perspective, may cause them to treat women with a lack of respect and care, truly emulating the abusive actions of their father. So the abuse that females go through, it may cause them to have a uh have a little ugh about men, especially father figures, you know, just and through that they they might even be a become a little tougher themselves because now they have to seek independency. They they now think that they don't need a man to get through this world, but inversely, now from the male's perspective, they just got abused, they just got violated by another male. So now they have to regain their masculine strength and to override what just happened to them, and you know, in context, again, this happened to both parties as kids, you know, so they don't truly understand what has happened to them. So both parties, male and female, could identify as much that their father has hurt and and abused them. I think that is straightforward. Like, if a male or a female has faced abuse, at some point of their life, they will understand that. And if it's happened earlier in their life, they might not understand fully, but later on in their life, they might put the pieces together and be like, oh, I was abused. Like that is what happened to me. I was verbally, sexually, I was mentally abused, and maybe they have the vulnerability enough to identify that and say, hey, so and so, when I was age 13, did this and this to me. The next step now, after the identification of the abuse and the abuser and the situation that has happened, the next step is that the person must realize that from that abuse and tearing further, their life has changed. Their perspective of life, their view of life, their morals have shifted. And as an end product of that, they might see things in a negative view of father figures and of men in general. And look, that's the set battleground. That person would have to wrestle with the fact that they have normalized the disdain towards men or have taken up the abusive nature of that person who has abused them so they can feel higher than the person who abused them. And that's the limbo that everyone is afraid of. Because now, for the female's perspective, it creates a level of vulnerability to accept the fact that not all men are abusive by nature. Although, from the male's perspective, it opens the floodgates for a man to completely deconstruct his prideful nature that he has emulated and learned from his abusive father. To now learn that women are people to value, are people to love and care for. Women are not just they're not just trophies that you you gain and and you just know that they that they deserve respect, that they deserve love, protection, care, that in being in relationship with a woman, one you're being in relationship with a single woman, not many, but also that you are to take the roles of being a man of valor, a man that's gonna truly take care of her. But nowadays, men don't do that, they treat women like things to rule around, and just just just to have and to let go and to have again. And this is why I really want to address the men because I see it all over the place. Boys trying to act like men, trying to stack up status, power, authority, accolades, promotions, all to make sure that they are bigger, better, and more capable than their father will ever be. And to be honest, that stems from a level of insecurity within that man. Going back to our alternative personality example and our utopian reality, that man has essentially created an alternative ego that seeks power, authority, and strength in this utopian reality that he is more powerful than his abusive father figure andor other authoritative figure who has abused him. I heard this from one of my mentors who actually has a son who is struggling in this area. My mentor asked me a personal question. He said, Do you ever feel at competition with your father? And when he asked me that, I was kind of I was kind of confused at the question. So I first said to him, What do you mean by that? And then he went on to explain to me the weird power dynamic between fathers and sons and how oftentimes they are in a pissing competition with each other. That's the that those are the exact words he said. And the other re the another reason why my mentor asked me this is because, you know, my father, my my own dad, is a well-respected man in this community. He's honored for his service in ministry. Over 40 years in ministry, he has helped launch numerous churches around the DMV. And in his past, he's carried a widely successful life in New York City as a businessman and linguist. So from my mentor's view, it's like Joey, your father is top is the top-notch guy. Like he's he's up, he's he's there, and he has all these accolades and all these success stories, and he's he's graduated from this, and he's got his doc doctorates and all this different type of stuff. And well, no shade to you, but you're just a 24-year-old trying to figure out life right now. Like, how does this make you feel? Like, are you in competition with your father? Like, do you feel like there's some weird power dynamics between you and your father? And I'm gonna be honest. I did not think about I did not think about any of this that way. Like growing up under my dad's shadow, I never saw it as his shadow blocking mine. And even me figuring out life in this very moment, I still do not consider myself behind in life compared to him. Maybe it's because I have dealt with that alter ego and that utopian fantasy land as a teen, and now I find some sense of security knowing that I am an individual child of God, and there's no one ahead of me to envy, and there's no one behind me to show off to. At the beginning of this episode, I said that it is unfortunate to me that our society views this life in a positive light in nature. Here's the thing: the only time in life where life was truly, by definition, a utopian reality was in the Garden of Eden. That was the only time in this existence, in this world, in this realm, that was the only point of history that life truly was a utopian reality where you can pick grapes and eat the freshness of him. But for us to now, after the garden, for us to now live out our lives as you know, I'm not telling that I'm not saying that you should that you you should live in a doom and gloom reality. I'm just saying that you should be on your P's and Q's. Uh there's a balance to life. Just like in the relationship example that we brought up. If you are in a toxic relationship, you cannot just look to the positives of life and just be like, hey, I'm in love. Like, I don't care. I'm in love. Like, honestly, I look, we'll talk about all that later. I'm just in love, I'm just infatuated with their embrace. Okay, well, their embrace is leading you further and further into hell. Like, what are you gonna do about that? We can't just look at life in the all positives. There is a balance to life, and this is why I really love the TV show The Avatar. Aing the last airbender, because it brings to the forefront four elements: fire, air, water, earth. Four elements, four elements, four different extremes. And if you really want to get really nerdy with it, there are sub-elements to all of these elements. There are sub-bending types. Like for example, with water, there's blood bending, because you can manipulate the water particles within blood. And earth bending, there's metal bending, because you can manipulate the minerals. And firebending, there's electricity. And airbending. This is something that I learned recently via TikTok, but airbending, you can manipulate the air. That means you can lock your enemies in a controlled room and suck the air out of the room. There are extremes to all four of these elements, and there are sub-extremes that have their own extremes, but the thing about it is, throughout the entire show, Aang goes through this entire reality, finding the balance between all of them. And in Legend of Korra, she that show is more centered in the spiritual realm, and she's literally like finding the balance in the spirit realm. And my thing about this, I bring up that show very, very loosely because it dives into like in Legend of Core, it it it really like divulges into aligning your chakras and all that different type of stuff, and you know the the first Avatar one and the the Turtle Dragons and all that different type of stuff. There's a lot of things in that show that really doesn't annulate a Christian lifestyle, and I get that. But if you get the principle that I'm like, there are extremes in this world, there's life, there's death, there's sadness, there's happiness, there's congratulations, there's mourning, all these things of life, but together there's a balance within them. And you have to find the balance within yourself. So I'm gonna ask that very strong direct question. Do you hate yourself? What is of yourself that you don't particularly love? Are those things that you don't particularly love? Is it stemming from a particular trauma in your life? Is it a trauma response? What is the story, the root cause, the identification of that trauma response? Who is involved in that trauma? Who is involved in that environment? Who was involved in that moment? Was it a family member? Was it a parent? What was it a best friend? An ex? Ex-husband, an ex-wife, distant family. Like, who is that? Okay, now since you have what that trauma is, now you have to identify are you concealing your emotions of that trauma? Are you are you putting up a front? Are you do you have a mask on? Do you have an alternative personality to cope with that trauma? Are you doing drugs? Are you having sex? Are you smoking? Are you in mental decay? What are you doing to cope with that trauma? And to pull all of this together, I want you to ask yourself this. Question, what are you gonna do about it? Because if you're vulnerable enough to say that you hate yourself, or there are some particular aspects of you that you don't love, and if you're vulnerable to point out the specific area of which that occurs, and if you're vulnerable enough to address the root cause, and even consider that it is currently changing your state of mind and still affecting you, even though it's been 10, 20, or 15 years after the trauma. And if you're vulnerable to admit all of those things, then one question remains what are you going to do about it? Because here, my thing about it is, and you know, when I was a teenager, I hated myself because I was not strong enough to save my mother. Now, in a realistic point of view, that's absolutely impossible. Death is a real thing, it is a part of the circle of life. But as a 14-year-old kid, I don't know that. I don't know that people die and people get born. I don't know that. So, from my point of view, I'm like, I should have done a little bit more to keep my mother alive, as if I control the strings of the essence of life. So I hated myself because I was not strong enough to protect my mother against imminent death. And I hated myself for the reaction that occurred afterwards. I hated myself because I was sad. I hated myself that I felt grief that I was going through the natural grieving process. I hated myself because honestly, and this is something, this is a true story. This is a real true story. A couple weeks before my mother ultimately passed, or maybe a month before, because the weeks coming up to my mother's passing, she slowly faded into unconsciousness. We talked about this on another episode. Um, but just to fast forward, a few weeks, or maybe a month before she passed, she was very she I think she knew she was going to die soon. I think she came to terms with that. Either she got a doctor's report that the doctor said that she had a couple months to live. I don't know. There's something that she was not telling us, but in the in the weeks prior to her passing, she was very adamant about me. Like, for example, if I were to go into her room looking for something, and this could be like something very trivial. Like maybe I'm looking for batteries for the remote control, or maybe I'm looking for a rubber band or a band-aid, or may I'm looking for something very small, very trivial. I'm looking for, I don't know, a scissor, I'm looking for a piece of paper to write on, a pen, a pencil, whatever it was, I would look for it and I would go in her room and see if her room had it. Well, when I didn't find what I was looking for, I would, you know, kind of leave the room, and then she would ask me, Well, what are you looking for? And I would say, Well, I mean, I didn't find it, so it doesn't matter anymore. And then like she would be really adamant to the point where it's kind of like, Mom, like, I like it's cool, it's it's totally okay. Like, I I didn't find what I was looking for, it's fine. Like, low-key, like, chill out. Like, no, she was really adamant, like she really wanted to help me. And it it I was confused because I'm like, bruh, you're doing too much. Like, it was it was really small. It was like a band-aid or something. Like, yo, I'll look for it tomorrow. Like, right now, I'm my mind's kind of on something else, like you can chill. Like, but no, she really wanted to help me. And that happened on a few occasions, and I left that moment like, oh, that was weird. Like, I I didn't like it wasn't really life or death that I needed to find the thing that I was looking for. Like, it wasn't super necessary to the progression of my day. It was it, I mean, it's a small inconvenience, but nothing trip that's nothing that's gonna trip me up. But now looking back on that, she was trying to be a part of my life as much as she could before she passed away because she knew that she was gonna die soon. And now I pieced this together like soon after she passed away. You know, because just me analyzing the weeks prior. I hated myself for not for not accepting her help. I hated myself. I really did. I d I despised myself. I really did. I hated myself. And for all the other times in my life that I didn't truly involve my mother in. I hated myself, my social life, even though I had no social life, but I should have talked to her more, I should have revealed myself to her more, I should have. Because in that view of life, I never thought that she would not live to see the rest of my life. I hated myself. So, with this episode, really, my intention is not for you to say, oh, I hate myself, and now I hate myself, and now I'm just gonna, you know, cry in my corner, and Joey told me that I hate myself, so why now I hate myself? No, that's pathetic. If you take nothing from this episode, and if you only take the fact that you hate yourself from this episode, well, I don't know what to tell you. But for those of you who are really grasping what I'm saying here, I want you to realize that there might be some hate in your heart towards yourself and the inadequacies of yourself that you weren't that you weren't strong enough to face the things that you faced. That you weren't capable enough to get through the grief and the timeline that you thought that you were gonna get through the grief within. I want you to go through this process of identifying those things and walking those things out. Like, for example, if that person is still alive today, like for example, in our our father, son, father, daughter example, right? If that person is still alive today, if your father is still alive today, maybe this is this happened, maybe this is something that your mother did. Maybe your mother abused you. Or abuse someone you know, not your mother, their mother. You you you get what I'm saying. Maybe this is the time of life. Your mid-20s, early 30s, late 20s, mid-30s. You definitely want to do this within that range. You know, between early 20s and mid-30s. Because I believe that after you hit 36, I honestly believe that people's mind the people their minds shift. It changes, it solidifies. You've gone through enough life that you're no longer a youngin' anymore. You know, and you're starting your ages of just like being a full-fledged, grown, solidified adult. And oftentimes people are just they d they're not as malleable anymore. But if you're 20, you're still young and dumb. If you're 25, you're still young, you're you're not really dumb anymore. You're 30, you're definitely not dumb. You're very intelligent. You've learned a lot of life, whether it's, you know, from educational strengths or street smarts. Whichever one you've learned from, you've learned that the stove is hot. That's that's what I'll say. But now it's time to learn that you have unaddressed trauma and you secretly hate yourself. There are certain aspects of your life that you're not so happy with, whether it's your looks, your intelligence, whether it's your height, whether it's your your speech, whatever it is. You hate yourself. I'm being completely totally vulnerable right now. There is an aspect of my life that I hate. Currently, right now, and it's a wrestle that I've been wrestling with for the last 24 years, and it's something that I am actively trying to get used to every single day. It's a part of me. It's it's a it's a thing in my life that I actually cannot change because it's something very much physical. But now I have to go back in my life and be like, okay, this happened in my life. Who is a part of the reason why it happened? Alright, now it's time to go to the Lord in prayer and be like, I forgive that person for the decisions, for the actions that has taken place. So, yeah. I think I'm gonna end this episode like that. Very strong question. Do you hate yourself? And why? Why do you feel that way? So, to end off this episode today, I just want to encourage you. Do you know somebody who hates themselves? Or do you know somebody who they there's some things about them that they don't particularly like or love? I want you to send this this episode to them, and I want you to say this, you might not like the title of it, but there's something in here that you might resonate with, and share it, support the podcast by sharing these episodes to your friends and family because the goal of Broken Minds Podcast is for all of us to realize that we are broken, it's for the brokenhearted to realize that they are truly broken and walking this journey out with Jesus Christ. So this cannot stay between you and I. I love our connection, I love our conversations intimately between you and I, but it cannot stay between us. So if you love to support the podcast, definitely share with all your friends and family. Literally copy that link from your favorite podcast host and blast text it to every single person. And I would truly appreciate it because it pushes the vision forward. Speaking of vision, this podcast is organized, produced under my production company, Broken Minds Co. Our main goal with Broken Minds Co. is again to provide a space for the brokenhearted to realize that they are broken and walking this journey out with Jesus Christ. What does that look like? It looks like creating podcasts, it looks like creating shows, it looks like helping people in media, networking, connecting. It looks like bringing people together, faith-based Christians together, and encouraging them to enact their God-given gifts to launch their podcast, to do all these things for the glory of God and to make people aware that they are broken and that they live in a broken world. So if you love to support that vision, first of all, go into the links down in the description and you'll see a link that says support my production company. Click that link and it will give you an entire booklet of links to click on to support what we are doing here. Also to support the podcasts that are hosted under Broken Minds Co. Which is one Uncut Demeanor, hosted by Stephen Long. Very powerful testimony, very powerful podcast to support and listen to, and also on one accord, hosted by Jewel Smith. Again, another very, very, very deep podcast. Specifically, her podcast is centered around deconstructing narratives in church spaces and reflecting on those narratives and comparing them against the word of God and seeing what today's modern church looks like compared to biblical times. And Stephen Long, he really takes the approach of sharing his testimony and walking you guys through his life and through his perspective. So I definitely want to see these two individual podcasts grow and to flourish. So by you helping, sharing, contributing, donating, all that stuff, and even being a part of these podcasts. If you want to be a part, let me know if you have a poem to share. Just like I've mentioned in the last episode, I'm gonna be doing these things called letters of consciousness. So basically, at the beginning of each episode, you are going to hear a letter of consciousness, a poem, something on my mind, something, whatever I decide to put on the beginning of this episode or the beginning of these episodes, you're gonna hear. That's called a letter of consciousness. If you would love to be on the podcast, and if you would love to share something, a poem, a word of encouragement, a song, anything, let me know. Hit me up, text me, DM me, and say, Hey, I want to share something on the podcast as a letter of consciousness at the beginning of an episode. How can I do that? But I love you guys. Honestly, I want you guys to realize that there are some underlying things in your life that needs to be addressed. 2026, it's the time to address them. And I really, really want to see us live in freedom. But until next week, I'll see y'all in the next episode. Love y'all, peace.