Episode 8 | I wanted more and I got it…

The month of June… was my worst month of the year so far! Although for God, it was my best month of the year so far… Let’s talk about. 

Follow my friend Jordan!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

My letter of consciousness today is a poem I wrote. One of my original pieces called Dreams That Kill. Let's begin. I'm filled with memories so hazy. Rested eyes that smell like daisies. Can barely sit nor stand, I'm lazy. Need a chair to empty these crazy thoughts poured upon me by actions I may never understand. As a lamb slain by no innocent hands, I'm constantly being put to death. That's life overused comments upon the demon within me. It's my dream into supreme. I'm waiting for high than my fears. Again, again, I'm in this because the future is too much for me to hand over my way. I fill it with memory so easy.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

Welcome to the Broken Minds Podcast, a space for the brokenhearted to realize that they're actually broken and walking this journey out with Jesus Christ. If you wish to support this podcast, please share this episode with your friends and your family. And download the podcast on your favorite podcasting platform. Also, support us voluntarily using the links down below. Lastly, get plugged into our local community here in the DMV. Broken Creatives, a place where we network, connect, and collaborate with our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus. Use the links down below to join the community today. My name is Mercy, and this is the Broken Minds Podcast. Enjoy.

SPEAKER_01 2:39

The whole month of June has tested me to the max. Mentally, spiritually, and physically, it has been a battle. And yes, a battle that I am still walking through. So definitely keep me in prayer. But I wanted to share what the experience is like. Maybe you are going through the same battle, and you just don't know what else to do. You have done it all, literally exhausted every single angle and still have come up with nothing. Well, today, let's talk about it. Normally, for me, I am more mentally resilient and strong against spiritual warfare. Not because I'm a better Christian than you are. No, I say that because I used to be very weak against such attacks. Actually, I caved. I dabbled in suicidal ideation. And that took over my brain for four years. I struggled. Although, once I turned 18 and I gave my life to Christ, everything changed for me. I no longer needed to cut to feel a spike of sensation. And truth be told, finally the nightmare stopped. Also, my sleep paralysis episodes ceased to exist. And overall, it felt as though I was a new man. Okay, well, duh, we become new in Christ Jesus. The old man has passed away. All things are made new. But when I tell you that became a real thing, like physically, it was a totally different experience. So from that moment, of course, I wanted more. I drew closer to God. I came to a church. I served my heart out for five years, but guess what? I wanted more. So I recently left that church and I came to my new community in March of this year. I wanted more. Why? Because I am a product of the church. I lived in the church. I slept in the church. I I was the church. My entire life was going to churches. My entire life was being in churches. But can I say that I was a hundred percent in my spirit committed to God? Oh, absolutely not. Matter of fact, that those years of depression that I was talking about when I was in the fixation of suicide and in that dark phase of my life. Oh, I was well in the church. I was serving all up in the church. But did I give my life to Christ in that moment for God to then be my Lord and my Savior? For Him to now direct the steps of my life. Absolutely not. So I was in the building. But that community did not shift me. It did not change me. I was still engulfed in my depression. But everything changed. Like I said. I wanted more of that. I wanted more of that change. I wanted more of that shifting in my life. But ultimately, I did not understand what wanting more came with. I did not understand that there has to be an endurance on my end when I ask for God to add more, more of his presence, more of this faith walk. And to be totally honest, June, the month of June, was the opposite end of the stick of more. Here's the thing: I got my more. I got my more of God's presence, more of God's community, more of God's God's, all this more. I got my satisfaction of more. But then the Lord was like, hey, there is this thing called suffering that I need you to go through because you've asked for more. See, oftentimes we only focus on the good of life and forget that life also comes with the bad as well. It's a balance, one that God has carefully handcrafted to remain a balance. If you want more success, it comes with more responsibility and hard work. If you want more of that delicious home cooked food even after your first and second serving, well, it's gonna come with more time on that toilet because you just messed up your stomach. And hey, listen up. If you want more respect and honor, well, guess what? It requires more time from you developing your character to be a more respectable and honorable man or woman of God. In essence, you cannot have one without experiencing the other. Good comes with bad, and bad comes with good. It's all a balance. So I find myself going through hell in the month of June. Overall, without getting into specific details, everything just suddenly dried up all around me. And from that, my mental health dried up as well, and it lagged behind. And I was falling back into my sin and back into the thoughts of my past, which for me is a very, very interesting place to be in. I will say this. Sure, last month did not go the way that I planned. And sure, I may have hit a rough patch. But I have to confess that God, you are still in charge. And ultimately, you are still the boss, and you are still sovereign. Yes, I will have to say my client pull dried up in the month of June. Because, yes, Lord, you did instruct me to move churches, and yes, the church is where my clients come from because I am a faith-based podcast producer, I'm a faith-based podcast, anything, I don't take secular clients. I don't. And this is why I have beef with Christians. Because it's like we as Christians, we are inclined to believe that God owes us something. We come to the belief that as we come to Christ, we have given God what he wants because we have came to Christ. We have caved into the gospel, we've given God what he wants, one of his children coming into the fold. Now, in essence, God now owes us something that we want. We want more. We want more of what is good. But truthfully, we do not understand what is good. Why? Because it's all a balance. But for us to be under this inclination that God owes us something, it's a twisted thought, and we have it completely all wrong. You see, this is a little bit of TMI, too much information. Probably shouldn't say this on the podcast, but I'm gonna be real raw, honest, and authentic because this platform is for the broken-hearted to realize that they are actually broken and walking this journey out with Jesus Christ. So the reason why, the true reason why I left my prior church is because God revealed to my attention the more that people were seeking. To put it in in layman's terms, we treated God like our sky daddy that will provide all of our needs just in as much as we serve in his kingdom to unlock his sky daddy powers and provisions. Embarrassingly enough, I actually believed this and I I I pressed in and I served. I served as hard as I possibly could to unlock the the treasures stored up for me. I served and I served and I served and I served and I served and I realized that yes, that sounds cute and us serving and that kind of makes sense, but then you think about it, that really locks us into a works-based reality of faith where our whole belief system in God plus our salvation is based upon how much you work in God's kingdom and serve and in God's house, which is insane to say up front, and many people would disagree with me. But honestly, once you dive deeper, you will see the truth behind how a lot of churches operate. So I wanted more, more not in a heavier workload serving God. I realized that that was not the more that I was seeking. And I realized that me working harder is not increasing or decreasing the love that God has for me. So this still doesn't answer my question or my desire for I want more. I I want more of God. Like, Lord, like for you to understand me, I will put it this way. Lord, you did not save me from suicide. You did not save me from my own self-demise. You did not save me from sleep paralysis. You did not select you, you did not save me from all of this this deep stuff just to drop me in a giant sandbox to create some elaborate sand castle, all for one mere mortal man, to find gratification in this in the Colosseum that he is building using your name, Lord. Like, Lord, you did not save me from my own death just to to be the construction worker to bring someone else's vision to life. That's I don't I don't I don't believe that. Lord, there has to be more of you. Like you have loved me so much in the midst of me not loving myself. The last episode we talked about I hate myself, and we're getting to the nitty-gritty of okay, what are the things that we don't particularly love about ourselves that we can get to the root to. And if I'd be honest, I hated myself. For so many years I hated the fact that I treated myself that way. And for and for for God to come in and save me for my own demise, just for me to build somebody else's palace, no. Respectfully, the that's not all that God has for me. So then my next question is okay, Lord, I want more. But now I'm coming to this realization that more comes with more, it comes with more responsibility, it comes with more suffering, it comes with more. It's not just, Lord, you're my skydaddy and you're gonna give me provision. I demand provision. No, it's okay, Lord. I'm in a a dry season, I need provision. You know I need provision. Now it's what do I have to sacrifice in order for you to give me provision? Because oftentimes we do not understand morality. This is why this podcast is titled Morality versus the Will of God versus God's Will. What is morality? Morality is the noance between good and bad. Right versus wrong. Righteous versus immorality. So before we get into that, I want to just give you an overview of what of why the month of June is so has been so troublesome for me. So I left my prior church in the month of March earlier this year, and I thank God that He has led me to a new community in that time because if you think about it, this is all faith. Like I'm leaving a community of five years and joining a new community of people I barely know nor trust at all. I don't know anybody. I'm completely new. So it's like my faith walk is is is hanging on by a thread here. Like honestly, I I I am one I'm one doubt away from being completely lost. You know? So that was very much God. I want more. God has given me more. Boom. God, you gave me a new community. Praise you for that. But then you come to this realization that when God gives you something, there is now a responsibility on that thing. And June is the month that I'm realizing the responsibility of that thing. June is the month that I'm realizing that more came with more responsibility, it came with more suffering, it came with more lessons, it came with more tests, it came with okay, Joey, you want more? I'ma give you more. But guess what? Go through this testing first. And that's another thing. How we perceive God's blessing is the secret of the answer for when we ask of more of God. Because commonly, when we're asking God for more, we want it in a positive sense. We want it, we want our blessing wrapped up in a golden present with a golden glistening bow on top. And oh my gosh, that's our more. That's our provision. That's our blessing. That's our answered prayer. That's more. That's that's what we we've been asking the Lord for. But sometimes that comes with a testing. And look, don't get me wrong. Sometimes God will genuinely give you more, your blessing, your provision, your answered prayer, in a golden box, a present wrapped in a glistening bow. I'm not saying that God won't do that. God will send manna from heaven. That has happened. But also, there will be a time where God will give you a dream, like he gave Joseph, and he will through that dream give you a test. And it's your job to now discern if this is a testing from God. Because again, life comes as a balance. You cannot just ask for more provision and ignore all the strengths and resources and sacrifice that comes with the essence of provide. God needs to make sure that you are the built-up man or woman who is able to provide and who is able to come up to the standard of what you are asking him to give you. Because if he gives you that thing, then you're gonna be spoiled and you're never going to learn how to reproduce that thing. If I ask the Lord for ten thousand dollars right now to fund my studio, like this is a real thing, like right now, currently, I have ten thousand dollars worth of studio equipment on a website in a shopping cart. Literally, if I asked the Lord for ten thousand dollars into my bank account right now, I would go on that on that list because I have I have them, I have them all prepared and ready, all prepped and ready. I would go on that list and I would I would buy it right now. But here's the thing. Did I need to spend that $10,000 on specifically those items? Or does does God need to test me to make me understand that I need to be a good steward of my money and that there are other resources that that money can go towards other than fulfilling my production needs. Yes, we can ask the Lord for more, but then that comes with responsibility, that comes with wisdom, that comes with discernment, that comes with knowledge, and honestly, I'll be honest, the month of June for me was the more of my more. My answered prayer first, the desire for more of him, the desire for more of his community, the desire for more of his presence. God gave me that. God led me to this new place, but now it's like Joey, I need you to come up to the standard of what you were asking me. Because now I gave you this community. Okay, the month of June, I'm gonna dry up this community for you. Well, not in the essence of drying up the community, the community is still flourishing and still a blessing in my life, but in the specific aspect of, okay, Joey, well, I'm gonna you're gonna have to find a way to get to this community now. I'm gonna dry up all avenues of you getting this to this community. Now you're gonna have to figure that out. Oh, okay, Lord. Right. Nice. Cool. And now I'm gonna have to figure out how to get to this community, which was a real thing for me. A real a real question. Like, I love this community. This community is everything to me. And now I I'm I can barely make it. So I see the month of June, at least for me, as a a as a test. I see it as a test. And many people might see it negatively. They might they might complain and be like, Lord, you gave me this community, but now I'm not able to go, like. They might complain about the situation, but in my point of view, I see it as I see it as a blessing. A blessing in disguise. A testing. Because again, life comes as a balance. There is good, but there's also bad. That is the view of morality, right? Right versus wrong. But watch this. There is good that looks like bad, and bad that looks like good. This is gonna mess with your brain. But let's walk through this together. It's all about your construct of morality and what you perceive as good and what you perceive as bad. Taking that and placing God in the center of it. Now it messes everything up. Because if you place God in the center of anything, God is quite literally an anomaly. So when you place God in the center of your constructed view of good and bad, everything gets messed up. How? Because we in order for us to put God in the center, but still also keep our perceived notion of good and bad, we would then have to understand the moral presupposition of God. And what is that? I have no clue. No, really, because to answer that question, I would have to definitively know the will of God, the construct of God. Where I'm getting, this is where I'm getting at. Where I'm getting at is trust. Trusting God to direct our moral views and for us to live a life that is pleasing to the Father. For example, I just said a bunch of words salad that probably didn't make any sense to you, but I'm gonna break it down in a very real, tangible sense. This is a real example, and it really happened to me. We're gonna view me leaving my prior church in both good and both bad. From the point of view of it being bad. Me leaving my prior church is bad. This is why. Me and 30 other people at that time can say and still might agree that me making that decision was a dumb, stupid decision, and that I am now some backslider who has fallen away from God and who is living his own rogue life far away from the church, broken away from the church, all that. That is one way to look at this situation via a bad lens. But then the flip side of the coin is good. And that I have been a massive blessing to their community in the short time that I have been with them. That is another way to look at my situation from a good perspective. Okay, so then we come to this question: which one is more correct? Well, to answer that, I would have to ask you this: which one is in more alignment with God? Well, we cannot answer that because we don't know the will of God in totality. For all I know, right now, me currently, I could be living outside of the will of God, and I could, I truly could be in this new community outside of the will of God, and and this is not the purpose that God has set on my life, and actually, me staying with my prior community is within the will of God, and I'm actually disobeying God right now. That is one way to think about it, and I don't know because I don't know the will of God, you see, I cannot lean on my own construct of morality. Because what is that up against the will of God? Because if I lean on my own construct of morality, then I would have to conclude what is the will of God so it can fit within my my mortal view. So which one is more correct? Is me leaving my prior church bad or is me leaving my prior church good? I can't answer that. I cannot answer that for you. Neither can you. But I will say that God's will is correct. Why? Why can I say that God's will is correct? Even though I cannot definitively conclude if the will of God and and and and put God's will in my construct of morality, even though I cannot conclude his will and what that is, I can still admit that his will is correct and God is still sovereign and God is still the boss. Why? Because I still have community, I'm still alive, and I'm not backsliding in my faith. Actually, this new community has exploded my faith 12 times over. That is the more that I've been desiring. So I just ran through this whole confusion mess that maybe made sense to you, maybe didn't make sense to you. I don't know. Just to come to this conclusion, all of this, and in in all of June, and all of this this transitional season of my life was all one big, massive morality test. One that destroyed my sense of right and wrong and forced me to trust in God to the point where it made no sense to man because none of this makes any sense to man. Me leaving my prior church does not make any sense to not one person that I served alongside with. It makes no sense to them. It didn't make any sense to me. Because it's not like I knew anybody in my new church when I came to them. I did not know anybody. So it was a it was a massive testing season. One that I want to test you in. Are you leaning on your own morality? On your own constructed view of right versus wrong, on your own constructed view of righteousness versus a wretched light. Are you living through your own your own lens? Or are you living submitted and in accordance to God's and within accordance to God's will? This is not going to make any sense. The move of God does not make any sense. You can God does not fit within your schedule, God does not fit within your dates, God does not fit anywhere within those things. It's very laughable how the modern church has constructed a view of God. Because it's like we plan, we we plan the move of God within our systems. And that does not work. See, it makes absolutely no sense because if God is the creator of the universe, if God is the creator of the heavens and the earth, if God is the creator of everything, if he created time, that means he lives outside of time, then what makes us believe that we can spontaneously create the presence of God within our systems and within our dates and within our times and within our revival services happening on such and such a day at such and such a time? How then can we conclude that God is within our moral construct of right versus wrong? How can we pin him within the very nature of what he created? That makes no sense. How is God, after creating our brain, after creating our sense of morality, how does God fit within that view? That makes no sense. God would automatically have to live outside of our construct of morality. Because guess what? He created our construct of morality, so he lives outside of it. So he is a separate entity of our construct of morality. So what is the will of God might be bad for us, but good in the sense that God is leading you and directing you. Take it, take Joseph. Again, Joseph got a dream. Joseph got something good. Joseph got the more of God. Joseph got, oh my gosh, my my sheep stood tall amongst my brothers and my family shivs. Joseph got the dream. But then Joseph was thrown in a pit, which was bad. And then, even worse, Joseph was sold into slavery, which was bad. And to put icing on the cake, Joseph was sold in slavery by his own brothers, which is worse than being sold into slavery. That's betrayal. So you get thrown in a pit, which physically injures you. Because my thing about it is, look, I don't believe that Joseph just walked into a pit. Like, you know, I'm saying, like, come on now. He this man was thrown in a pit. He was blindfolded and thrown in the pit. So you can only imagine how much that hurt, physically hurt. But then he was sold into slavery, which mentally hurts. Like that doesn't that kind of takes a toll on you. But then sold into slavery by your own brothers. That's more bad. Bad, bad, bad. B A D bad, bad. And and look, my my mor my my morality is is flashing red. It's it's all red right now. This is all bad, bad, bad. All bad. Thrown in a pit, bad. Sold into slavery, bad. Being sold into slavery by your own family, that's portrayal. That's bad. There's nothing positive about this situation. There's nothing good. But here's the thing. All because it doesn't look good, that doesn't necessarily mean that from God's in God's will that it's all worthless and not for a purpose. Morally it's bad. But then again, we are coming from our own constructed view. But God has a different plan within his will. So I wanna I don't know if I made sense in this episode, but I wanted to bring this up because I have been dealing with a battle. It has been a battle. And the month of June has been a testing season. It has been dried up. It has been like honestly, everything I thought of that this that this day that these days would be has just been kicked to the curves, trued up, and spat out. I don't I don't know. But the month of June was very difficult for me physically, mentally, spiritually, all around. Although I have to now realize that what I perceive as bad might not be bad when it comes to the the the will of God. Because God has something for me that He needs to teach me that I am asking for. Like beginning of this episode, I'm asking for more. Lord, I'm asking for more. I'm asking for more. Okay, Joey. You're asking for more. I'm going to give you more. But you need to understand what that means when I give you more. When I give you more, it's gonna come with more suffering, it's gonna come with more responsibility, it's gonna come with more lessons, it's gonna come with more strength that I'm gonna require you to be at. Because if you cannot be here, I don't want to hear it. So I'm gonna test you. What is in your life that you see you deem is dry? You deem is is is is barren. What is in your life that you deem is a difficult season? You deem is hard. Don't just say that that is of the devil. No, we give the devil way too much credit. You might be giving the devil credit for attesting that God is trying to get to you. You might be binding, like, here's the thing. You might be binding things in the name of Jesus that God Himself, He's like, Why are you binding this in the name of me? Like, I'm the one who's giving you this issue. Because you need to solve it and you need to grow. Like, why are you binding this in the name of Jesus and casting this out and da-da-da-da-da, and hooting and hollering and speaking and all da da da da da and flipping and flopping? No, I gave you this challenge, I gave you this test. I don't know why. Are you like why are we binding it? No, pay attention. Pay attention to the dream I gave you and notice that that is not the full of the story. Joey, I want you to pay attention to the month of June and notice that that is not the full of the story because now I come to the end of the month of June. And now it is it is actually July 4th by the time this is being posted, but I'm coming to the end of the month of June. And now I'm seeing certain situations move, and I'm now seeing certain things free up, and I'm now seeing, oh, oh, oh, oh, and now I'm seeing certain things get put together, and now I'm like, oh, okay, Lord, now I understand. Now I understand. Now I get I aha aha aha. I get it now. Because now, Lord, I see the provision coming, I see the blessing coming, but now I now understand that I had to go through the barrenness of the month of June so you can teach me how to be humble and trust in you and not rely on my own constructive morality. So there might be a barren, dry, broken season in your life. Don't bind it in the name of Jesus. Don't don't do that. Before you go and start laying hands on this problem and this issue, I want you to look at this issue again and I want you to realize, hmm, Lord, before I go hooting her and hollering and start binding things and casting things out, Lord, is this a testing? Are you testing me right now? Because I don't want to go binding things and hootin' her and hollering and if it and this is just a test. Because we can fail the test by binding things in the name of Jesus. Like, bruh, not everything needs to be bound in the name of Jesus. Some things are testings that we need to have the discernment for, and we need to learn, and we need to suffer through. I'm gonna say a very bold statement. And for those of you who are still listening to this podcast episode, you are the one to hear this. Christians do not know how to suffer. Ironically, the entirety of their faith is about suffering. This is a pod this this is actually a podcast topic that I actually want to get into. Maybe it'll be for the next episode. I don't know. As the Lord leads, as the Lord leads, but it's very ironic to me how Christians don't know how to suffer, and whenever they find a trial or whenever something goes wrong, they start binding things in the name of Jesus, and I'm like, why are you binding things in the name of Jesus? Like, I want you to look at this problem, this issue, and and and see, is this a lesson that God wants me to endure? Is this a season of barrenness that God wants me to endure? Is this a season of of like what is God teaching me in this moment? Because here's the thing about it is like God God doesn't owe us anything, and this is why we need to test our constructive morality because not everything that we deem is bad is truly bad. Sometimes the bad is actually God's will on our lives, and we don't know it because we are relying on our own construct of morality, which God is not in, because by definition, God lives outside of our construct of morality because God has created our constructive morality, so how can God live within something he has created? Or to rephrase, how can God live constrained to the bounds of something that he has created? That is literally physically impossible. That is impossible. You can't bound God to your construct of morality, you can't tell God what's right and what's wrong. That doesn't work like that. So coming to the close of this episode, I want us to review our life and the recent dealings of our life, and I want us to say, God, is this your your will? And how should I move within it? And trust me, God will lead the way. Like, I'm gonna be honest, throughout this entire transitional season of my life, God has led me every single step of the way. Every single step. 100% God has led me. It's like the children of Israel, God has led them a pillar by a pillar of fire by night and a vast cloud during the day. Like you will notice, you here's the thing. I'll give you secret sauce. Even though you cannot definitively say and conclude what the will of God is, because again, that's actually impossible. How can a created being by God, how can something created by God fully know its creator and their will that doesn't make sense by definition? So, by definition, you will never understand or conclude what is the will of God, that will never happen. Why? Because it doesn't make sense, although I will tell you, if you pay attention enough, and you have the the sermon on fleek, you will notice, you will not know, but you will notice the will of God on your life. You will notice the path that God is paving for you, and you will notice the signs, and and you will notice where to walk and where to not walk. You will have you will have that gut reaction. You the Holy Spirit will lead you, and you will have convictions, and you there there will be a guiding. Yes, from many people's perspective, it is wrong, it is bad for me to abruptly get up and leave my former church. That from a mortal standpoint is wrong, and I should not have done that. Although, when I tell you, even from years prior, I was seeing the signs, I was seeing the convictions, I was seeing all these things, I was seeing how God was moving, I was seeing how God was impressing upon my heart that there needs to be more, that there need that I was seeing, I was I was feeling the desire that this is not all that God has for me. And then I made my decision and I made my move. In the point of view and the POV of man, it's wrong and it doesn't make sense. How Joey, how could you leave us? But in the point of view, in the will of God, well done, my good and faithful servant. My goodness, and that's all I care about. I do not care about the will of man. I don't. And this might be controversial. I love my previous leadership. I love my previous pastor, I love my previous leaders. It doesn't matter how much theologically I wrestled with them, doesn't matter how much I don't agree with. I love them, but I will say the will of my previous pastor does not override the will of God. And hey, maybe that person had has the courage enough to check up on me and to check up where I am in life, and he remembers that I do have a podcast. And if that particular person has made it this far, then I've said a very controversial thing. And oh my gosh, let's just reflect on that for a moment. And I don't know how you feel about that or anyone else. And I'm and I'm very much like being sarcastic about this because it's like it's it's it's it's a very trivial realization. It's like, oh my gosh, like God matters more to me than man. Wow, God matters more to me than man. The will of God matters more to me than the will of man. And if you understand that, then you will understand why I made the move that I made the second week of March. But yeah, our constructed moral view has nothing on God. And you just need to understand that, and you just need to get that through your head. It absolutely has nothing on God.